Hm

I'm not sure what to say... Hm sometimes is all I can say.  I am watching my soon to be ex-husband going through the same things with his girlfriend that I went through with him for so many years...Part of me, the little kid part, is saying, "na na na na na na...."  and then there's the compassionate part of me, which thankfully is a bigger part of me...lol.  I empathize with him.  I know what he's going through.  I'm sitting here listening to my ipod and the song that's on right now is Winner at a Losing Game by Rascall Flatts.  I listened to this song so many times after I found out about the first girl... and then once I found out about the current girlfriend, I knew it was over.  "Have you ever had to love someone / that just don't feel the same? / Tryin' to make somebody care for you / The way I do / Is like tryin' to catch the rain / And if love is really forever / I'm a winner at a losin' game." 

I know, I'm weird.  After everything he's put me through, why do I care if he's hurting.  Because after being best friends since we were freshmen in HS... 1991, and then dating since we were Seniors in HS... 15 years is a long history... I can't just write him off.  Some say I'm too nice.  That I'm asking to be hurt again.  Perhaps, but he will always have a piece of my heart.  He is the father of my children.  He'll always be a part of my life.  Don't get me wrong, I get upset with him, with his selfishness, but at the end of the day, I would still do anything I could to help him out, to listen when he needs someone to talk to, a shoulder to cry on.  I would hope he'd do the same... he has once or twice since we split, but I went into this knowing I'd do most of the work.  Should I?  No.  Will I continue to do so... more than likely. 

 I have been doing a lot of thinking today though.  One of the things I worry about with John is whether or not I will hurt him if things don't work out... do I allow myself to feel what I know my heart is feeling?  Or do I listen to my head and walk away.  I wish it was that easy.  There are some of you out there saying, it is that easy.  Walk away. It's the right thing to do.  Perhaps this is how Stephanie felt when my ex came back into her life.  He said he'd thought about her every day since they split in 2003.  For a woman to hear that, it's incredible and gives us such power.  John said something similar although not quite as extreme.  I always tell everyone to live in the moment because you don't know what tomorrow will bring.  I'm not condoning anything life threatening... lol... but maybe some skydiving or bungee jumping wouldn't be a bad thing... driving a race car... hiking a mountain... doing things you've always wanted to do but keep putting off... what are you waiting for?  Live for today!!  It sounds good doesn't it?  I so want to take my own advice... but I have a hard time doing it.  I'm a planner, always have been.  I like knowing or at least being prepared for what might come... and it usually keeps me from having fun.  For a little while, I was able to just let go and have fun... but now that I have these feelings for John, I'm doing it again.  I don't want to,  but I worry... I don't know what I want out of this... I certainly am not ready to be in a serious relationship right now.  I don't know if what I feel is a forever thing.  I need to stop wondering if it is or not, because I'm going to miss out on enjoying what he's sharing with me right now, in this moment. 

I don't really know where I'm going with this post... just thinking out loud I guess.  That happens once my kids go to bed...lol.  :)  Well, I'm going to go pick up my guitar and start learning how to play... see, one of those things I've been putting off for years now... it's about time I start doing what I tell everyone else to do - live for today, because who knows what tomorrow is going to bring.  I'll TTYS. 

Love.....why does it have to be so complicated?

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it oepns up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love."   - Neil Gaiman


I read this today and couldn't help thinking how true it is and how much it hurts to love someone sometimes.  We put ourselves out there and hope that the feelings we have for another are returned.  Why is it then, when we know we are loved unconditionally, that we pull away for fear of the pain we have felt in the past?   I know I am loved unconditionally by someone, yet I am afraid to allow myself to love him back.  I know I am still wounded from my marriage ending...yet what I feel inside for him is unquestionable.  I care about him, but is it love?  I am hesitant to tell him and even more so to allow myself to open up to him.  Is it because I'm afraid of getting hurt again?  Is it because I am afraid of hurting him?  What if it's only a temporary love?  What if I don't want this to be a forever love?  Do I need to think about that right now or can I just enjoy the feelings I have and live in the moment?  This has always been a challenge of mine... to live in the moment and not try to predict the future.... ugh!!