ugh

It's amazing what a month or so can change... it's over with the fireman.  He's overly sensitive and doesn't try to make the time to see me.  I offer to go out by him and still no go... so, I'm done.  All he seems to want to do is argue and that's just not me.  I can do that with my family.  Time to just chill and be by myself, which I have been doing emotionally for the last month or so anyway. 

Keep the prayers coming for me to find a job as a guidance counselor.  Still nothing...it's frustrating but I'm trying to keep the faith.  Times are tough financially and I am worried about making it through the winter with enough oil to heat my house... something will come along... it always does. 

I could write a lot more, but will just keep some things to myself.  Until next time...

Rough day with a silver lining

Today was tough... got some news that will change my life.  When I talked to my fireman about it, instead of freaking out and running away as I thought he would, he said we can get through anything together.  That was definitely NOT the reaction I was expecting.  To say I was surprised, shocked, relieved are all understatments.  He has shown me more compassion than any man I've known to this point and it is the one thing that I am clinging to today for happiness.  God couldn't help me with one thing, so he gave me a man to stand by me through the darkness... my fireman is my silver lining.  :)

Big day for my "big man" :)

Today is my big man's first day of Pre-school.  I can't believe it!! Seems like only yesterday we were there with our daughter.  I don't think he's going to deal with it as well as she did though.  He's going to cling to our legs and beg us not to leave.  Might be a tough day, but we'll make it happen. :)  In the end, he'll do great.  It's just going to take some getting used to. :)  Well, I have to leave in a few mins, so I'm gonna end this. Just say a little prayer that some tests I had done come back negative.  TTYS :)

Gotta find something to do with my free time...

OK, I have too much time on my hands and as I've been told for years now, I read too much into things.  I really need to stop.  It's just so hard to figure out how somebody meant something over text.  Thankfully, our little mix up was cleared up in a phone conversation, but it's just stressful.  I like this guy and want to see where it will go and the walls I have built up around me include a whole lot of cynicism and negative outlooks and I need to change that.  I am frustrated with myself.  I need to start curbing what I say and just enjoy each moment.  Anyway, we seem to be ok now.  Guess I just need to stop worrying and just enjoy.  No expectations... other than honesty.  OK, I'm done now...

I hope this afternoon goes by quickly...I'm so tired of being bored at work.  I really want to be a guidance counselor...after all, that's why I went to school to get my degree and get certified, but it just seems like it's getting harder and harder to make that happen.... ugh.  Another thing I can't dwell on... I'll just keep working on my music. I picked up my guitar last night and started working on a song I had written a while ago but never had the music to.  It's in the VERY rough stages of coming together, but it has potential. I just have to work on the timing of the verses and chorus a little more...

Here's hoping my day turns around.  :)  Thinking positive always helps...so here I go. :)

Fun and Excitement

Well, as we speak, my best friend in the entire world is giving birth to her first son.  :)  I am sad because I can't be there but happy because we all get to meet the little guy.  :)  Soooo excited. 

As a side note...I got a text from the "old" guy I went on a date with about a month ago.  He was the 43 year old restaurant/bar owner I went out with when I was dating the disappearing man.  I had fun with him but all I could think of was how old he looked...lol.  So bad, but true.  He texted a few times and I responded but nothing elaborate.  I got a text today that said, "Hey, it's M.  How have u been. I was hoping I would have seen u again but never heard back from you."  I feel bad, but at the same time, he's coming across as a little desperate.  I am going to text him back that I am seeing someone and want to give it a chance... like I said, he was a nice guy...just not the one for me.  Figures, right?  He actually has the financial means to whisk me away at the drop of a hat and I don't want to just be with a guy for the perks.  There are definitely days I wish I could be that woman, but the reality is I'm not. 

My buddy and I talked about that last night.  He wants to be a player, but just doesn't have it in him... another friend of mine says the same thing.  Isn't it funny how in your head you can do it, but when the opportunity presents itself, people with a conscience just can't bring themselves to be someone they're not?

Moving on...

And so it's time to start looking again... some of my friends, one in particular, tells me to stop because he doesn't want to see me hurt anymore... but as I say to him, what would life be without love?  With love comes the chance I might experience heartache.  However, the love I experience fills my soul with something I can't explain and it helps remind me the world is good and that someday I will know true love again. 

My cousin told me about a dating site for single parents.  It's where she met her husband, so I figured what the heck.  I'm done with match.com for a while.  Plenty of fish is ok, but not great.  So, I joined.  We'll see what comes of it.

Eh

Feeling a little down today... haven't felt this way in a looooong time...probably since last winter.  Just had that sinking feeling in my stomach like my world was going to fall apart.  Just wanted to cry.  Whatever, guess I just need to suck it up and remind myself that God won't let anything bad happen to me.  I am stressed about finding an apartment too.  I feel like my realtor is dragging his feet... time to do some work on my own - again and call some other realtors.  I have no loyalty.  Not like the guy is going to cut me a break on his fee anyway.  I just REALLY need to have a place ASAP.  And I'm worried about whether or not I'm going to be able to afford a place since my ex will be paying me child support 2x month - on the 1st and the 15th instead of all at once.  The child support is my rent... ugh... I just have to have faith that it will all work out.  I just don't like not knowing...I'm a planner.  I can do fun stuff on the spur of the moment but when it comes to taking care of me or especially my kids, I want to have a plan and the fact that I have NO idea where I am moving them to in 2 1/2 weeks is scaring the CRAP out of me!!!!  I can't help but feel like my soon to be ex-in-laws don't really care whether I have a place or not and they want me out - ASAP.  Sux.

Random Vent

Today's vent is about my mother and how she continues to try and run my life and tell me what I am going to do and how I'm going to raise my daughter.  I am a 34 year old woman, with a job and 3 children.  I might not always do the right thing, but I love my children and I've done a pretty good job on my own so far.  If I move too far away from the school district we live in now, she will be going to a different HS and that's not a bad thing.  This is freaking ridiculous!!! My mother has my daughter thinking there is no other high school than this one and she needs to be with the same friends.  MY daughter is an outgoing individual and makes friends VERY easily.  It would not be a big deal for us to move to a diff. district.  ARGH!!! So frustrating.  To top it off, trying to find an apartment I can keep my pets in is proving to be difficult.  But, I'm not giving up.  I looked at one today in a neighboring town... it has potential but it's a bit small.  Looking at one tomorrow that is closer...we'll see.  Should be interesting.  It's moments like this that I wish I had someone who would be coming home to me later today and give me a hug and tell me everything will be alright and we'll figure it out together...alas, I am on my own.  Something I have gotten used to... I'll figure it out.  I always do.  :)

Been a while...

So, I dated a guy for a few months but he was DEFINITELY the wrong one for me... too possessive and jealous over my guy friends - and there was no reason to be...  I was miserable when I was with, so time to move on. 

 While all of this is going on... my divorce is finally moving forward since I have to move out of my ex-in-laws house by the end of this month after my daughter graduates middle school.  We finally have a preliminary number for child support and I am hard core hunting for a 3BR apartment that accepts pets... not easy around here.  I am actually going to call a place on a local one I found online.  Wish me luck!!