PMS is NOT my friend

But then again, is it really anyone's friend?  With everything that has been going on in my personal life, the ups and downs, the rollercoaster ride of emotions, last night was a breaking point for me and it was completely because of PMS.  I was sad, yes, but the sobbing that ensued was not normal...lol. 

Just when I think everything is taking a turn for the better, it takes a complete U-turn and goes the other way.  The time I spent with S, his children and his friend the other night was so much fun.  There was laughter, flirting, and one of the sweetest good night kisses I've had in a long time.  The love he has for me is so apparent.  All I can do is continue to pray, which I do constantly, all throughout the day.  Last night I was crying out to God to hear me, to grant me peace, to help me know what to do and for the strength to endure the pain.  There will never be another man in my life.  I believe that with all my heart.  And Jesus promised us that if we believe in something we pray for, without a doubt in our heart, believe we have received it and it will be ours.  (Mark 11:23-24)  I do believe it. 

When I pray I ask God to bring peace to me and He does.  I have been given signs that this will work out and S and I will be together again, but right now I am the only one praying, or at least I think I am. He is closing me off a bit, which really feels odd.  He hasn't done that at all, not since we first started talking, and I don't like it.  I feel like an outsider with him sometimes.  He isn't the kind of person that just wants a casual relationship.  He wouldn't just be stringing me along to have some fun on the side.  I know he's still overwhelmed by the thought of being a father figure to my children but I believe with everything I am that God brought us together because he knew what was going to happen and knew S was the right man for me and my children.  I love this man more than I ever thought I could love someone again, and this time, for the right reasons.  I still believe this isn't over and not because I'm determined to make it work.  It's just a sense of peace I get when I ask God to let me know if we are going to make it as a couple.  Even that first talk we had last month (can you believe it's been a month already??) - within the first minute of him telling me he wasn't sure if we were going to make it, my heart sank momentarily and then something inside me said, This isn't over.  And it wasn't me saying it to myself.  Even I couldn't explain it, and I still can't.  It's the Holy Spirit.  It's God.  And I am so grateful that He believes in me enough to speak to me like that. 

I just pray that this works out, sooner rather than later, and that we come together in such an amazing and incredible way, that I couldn't even have imagined it would be so good.  I pray for S to hear God and to trust that he can be that father-figure to my children, as he has already become.  I pray for God to take the confusion and fear away from him so that he can realize the truth in his feelings.  I love this man and I know in my heart God brought us together.  I just pray S believes in that as much as I do.  Giving him his space has not been easy, but I am doing my best. 

Please pray for both of us and my children as their father prepares to move to California at the end of September.  Life is going to change drastically, for all of us. I pray S is there for all of us...

Hope

Did you ever just have one of those weekends you thought would be wonderful and then it was just the opposite. That happened to me the weekend after 4th of July. I thought S and I would have a great weekend together and enjoy each other’s company and the weather but then I was blind sided by him saying he’s not sure we are going to work… there are a lot of feelings tied into this, not the least of which is we each still love the other but it comes down to the responsibility of being a father figure to my children and whether he is ready or willing to take on that responsibility. I was heartbroken, yet throughout the entire weekend, even as he was telling me all his feelings and thoughts, not one ounce of my being said this was over. There was no sinking feeling inside of me, no knot in my stomach, just an odd sense of peace that everything is going to work out. I had no explanation for it, but I told him how I felt and that I believed this wasn’t over. I also told him I don’t give up easily… I don’t know how. All he said was, “I know.”

So, I cried a lot this weekend, prayed a lot this weekend, cried some more, talked to the most incredible Christian friends a woman could ask for who listened to me, once again, cry about the man in my life hurting me, but this time it was not an intentional hurt. He is hurting just as much, if not more, than I am, which is why this is so difficult to understand.

My friend K talked to me this morning and essentially preached a sermon just for me. Essentially she said I NEED to put God first in EVERYTHING I do. If I don’t, he will continually challenge me until I learn to rely on Him. He doesn’t do things to hurt us, he does them so that we can grow. There is a lesson to be learned in all of this and as K said, I am going to come out a stronger, better woman on the other side of it and S will come out a stronger and better man on the other side as well. And together we will be an unstoppable force. God has big plans for us. Out of the handful of people I’ve talked to this weekend, NOT one of them said it’s over and they are sorry. EVERY SINGLE ONE said it’s not over, and don’t give up. EVERY SINGLE ONE. So, who am I to go against the majority? Even K says this isn’t over…and when she speaks, especially when she says she’s never felt like this before…like the Holy Spirit is unsettled inside of her, I listen. She has rarely been wrong when it comes to God’s plan. Does she have the gift of prophecy, I’m not sure. But I learned a long time ago, when K says she feels a certain way and can back it up with scripture and verse, I listen. She hasn’t hurt me yet.

Sometimes, we need hope. “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” – Jeremiah 29:11 God has a plan for me, He has a lesson for me to learn here. I just am not sure what it is, but I’m going to continue to pray that he shows me so that I can learn from it and move on. I heard from S twice this morning already. It’s feeling like it was before already. Even though I know it’s not yet, I believe we can be even better together after this struggle. We will be stronger and more understanding and more committed than ever before and nothing will keep us apart.

God I pray for S to have the courage to deal with the fear, to conquer the fear within him and for your peace to surround him and his family as the fear leaves. Grant me your peace and understanding in this moment so that I may learn from this lesson and move forward, praising your name and sharing your love and peace with everyone around me. In Jesus’ name. Amen.

Just call me Susie Sunshine :)

I have been accused of worse things than finding the positive in a situation.  No matter how bad, there's always something to look at in a different way.  Sometimes it takes me longer than others, days even, to find that positive in a situation, but I can usually do it.  Actually, I don't think I find the positive as often as God shows it to me.  This past weekend is a great example of that.  With everything that is going on in my life and the roller coaster I seem to be on every day between my children and my ex-husband, I have found a silver lining. 

I also read something that caught my attention and made me stop and think.  Cindy, Super Ty's Mom, said, "All I can do is channel all of my energy into prayers for healing and strength.  It helps me get through all of my moments of anger and frustration."  She's right.  I can't look at the giant picture and worry about everything all at once.  I can only deal with one piece at a time, so today, I'm going to handle what comes at me today.  I am going to continue to put one foot in front of the other and take one day at a time.  I will get through this because I am a strong, faith filled woman and with God as my guide, I can get through anything.  Thank you for reminding me to rely on God first and foremost Cindy.  I needed that.

I pray for peace within my family and for strength to handle the everyday challenges of being a single mother, but now, I also need the wisdom to handle the frustrations of all three of my children as we move forward through the next couple of months and the changes that are about to occur in their lives.  God give me strenght, wisdom and understanding to help them, comfort them and love them through it all.

As if we haven't dealt with enough big changes in our lives...

My children have had to deal with so much loss and change in their lives in the past several years, but especially in the last year between us moving out of the home we lived in while I was married to their father, and then moving upstate and now with their father planning a HUGE move that will impact them even further, I just don't know how they are going to handle it. 

Children are resilient. I hear it all the time, but the human spirit is a fragile thing and I worry about them and how they will handle yet another huge loss in their lives.  My heart hurts for them and I just want to wrap them up in my arms and tell them everything will be ok and they won't ever get hurt again.  But I can't do that.  That's not realistic.  They will feel pain.  We all do.  I just want them to know they have one constant in their lives - me.  I love them with all my heart and would do anything for them.  I am their rock and I have NO intentions of leaving them - ever.  I can't even bear the thought of not being around them.  Even when they are driving me nuts and calling my name 150x an hour, I wouldn't know what to do without hearing that for more than a day or two.  I love them all so much and all so differently, yet the same.  This is their father's choice and it is going to have a very pronounced impact on them.  Perhaps not as much right now for the boys, but in the years to come, they will come to question his motives for leaving, and I hope he's ready to answer them truthfully and be prepared for their responses. 

Children are resilient... as long as they have a solid but soft place to land, they are.  I will be that soft landing, that solid place that will never leave them.  God bless my children and watch over them, as you always have.

I love you unconditionally!!... or do I?

I have read the post titled, "I'm Christian, unless you're gay" at Single Dad Laughing several times now, and some of the responses that go along with it as well, and I am still moved by the thought provoking words Dan expressed. I am a Christian and I like to think I love unconditionally. People ask me how I can forgive my ex-husband for what he did to me through the years, but especially for what led to our divorce, and I tell everyone I forgave him. It’s not my job to judge him, and I truly feel that way in my heart. But what this post has caused me to think about is, do I have those same feelings for everyone in my life? If I’m being honest, the answer is no. I wish it weren’t. But thanks to people like Dan who are not afraid to share their feelings with the world, my eyes have been opened.



I don’t want to push my family or friends away because of my judgmental character. Yes, I’ve been hurt and my children have been hurt, but that doesn’t mean I have to hurt others in return. It is true, I do not have the right to judge others. I had this conversation with my oldest brother last year, and he disagreed with me. My response came straight out of the Bible. Matthew 7:1-5. “Do not judge, or you too will be judged. 2 For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. 3 “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? 4 How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? 5 You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.


Why is it so easy to look at everyone else’s problems, misgivings, attitudes and actions and judge them, yet when someone looks at me or my family, I say things like, “Don’t judge me lest ye be judged”? I don’t like looking at myself in the mirror sometimes and realizing I’ve been a bad Christian, or worse yet, a bad friend, daughter or mother.

There are so many things I want to do different as a mother than how my parents raised me, but I guess many of us say that. But truly, all I really want is to have a loving and open relationship with my children, especially my daughter, because I didn't have that with my Mom when I was younger. We are much more open now, but I don't want to wait that long with my own children. 

There are many things I love and admire about how my parents raised me. I ALWAYS knew that my parents loved me and would do whatever they could to make my brother and I happy. They worked so hard to provide for us, sometimes working more than one job. And we always had extended family around. That is something I have enjoyed continuing with my children – including all the aunts, uncles and cousins in our family celebrations.

But when it comes down to it, am I really loving them unconditionally? Do I love everyone like that? Do I love S like that? Or do I allow my past scars to give me the “right” to judge or hold things against him? I believe the latter is true and it hurts me now to just write those words and admit it, not only to myself, but to the world as I write this. There may be nobody reading this right now, but some day, they might and I hope I’m in a better place and can say I don’t make these mistakes as often as I once did.


S is an important part of my life, but we both agree our children are first and foremost in our lives. I look at my daughter and realize in just a couple of years she’ll be off and on her own after graduation, whether that’s joining the military, as she has recently begun thinking about, or going to college. My boys are much younger and at 4 and 3 have VERY different personalities. "A" is very thoughtful and a bit whiny at times, but the compassion and love that comes from that boy is almost unbelievable at times. I have been trying to take a step back from the daily grind and stresses of everyday life and enjoy each of my children. "A" just continues to grow by leaps and bounds and changes on an almost daily basis.


Then there’s "E". He is a riot. He’s happy-go-lucky and loves everyone. I call him my “mush” because all he ever does is give me hugs and kisses. He is almost always smiling and laughing and he enjoys life. When I look at him I try to learn from him. Perhaps that’s what we really need to do. Let’s all take a step back and watch and learn from our children. We, as adults, need to be reminded to enjoy life, every aspect of it. Take the time to sit down and watch the sunset or if you’re an early riser like we are, the sunrise. Play in the stream, catch frogs, fish, run with the dog, go on hikes, watch the stars come out, look for the moon coming over the mountain and smile and be in awe of God’s majesty all around us. Life is not here for us to judge, but to enjoy. Maybe if we thought more like that, the world would be a little happier and more accepting.  

Perhaps I'm just a dreamer.  I've been accused of worse, but at the end of the day, if I know I've done all I can do to be a more accepting person and love those around me unconditionally, then I can go to bed happy.  I just pray I get the chance to do it again tomorrow.

The more you speak, the worse it gets...

I was listening to Joyce Meyer this morning, as I try to do every morning on my way to work/daycare, and she had already been speaking for a few minutes.  It was like she was talking to me.  The first thing she said as I was pulling out of my driveway was, "The more you speak about something, the worse it gets.  It doesn't help you feel better, it makes you feel worse and the more you talk to people about it, the more overwhelmed you feel."  She is so right.  She said we do need to vent to someone, to ask our friends to pray for us during these struggles, but we don't need to share them with the whole world.  It's the devil's way of pushing our buttons and pulling us away from God. 

Over the past few months, I've felt myself go from being so thankful for the gifts God has given me, such as the house we are living in, moving to the country, my children being happy, etc., to feeling empty and like there's a dark cloud hanging over my family.  I can't shake the emptiness I feel sometimes, although after a VERY vivid dream a few weeks ago, my life has definitely gotten better.  I have shining moments now, but there's still something missing, and I know it's God.  I'm not letting him in like I used to.  I'm not praying like I used to. I'm not listening, like I used to.  I complain about the tough times in my life, but not just to one or two people.  I complain to all of my friends, and the more I talk about the challenges, the harder they seem to be to overcome.

"Whoever gives thought to the word will discover good, and blessed is he who trusts in the Lord." Proverbs 16:20

I picked up my guitar last night for the first time in almost a week and realized I still have dreams of singing.  Perhaps they are unrealistic.  I have wanted to be a country singer for such a long time now, I can't even remember when the dream began, yet whenever I get an opportunity (even a small one like competing to sing a duet with Billy Currington on stage) I struggle.  But, when I sing in church, or praise God at an Emmaus gathering, my voice soars.  The tone is clear and rich and everything flows beautifully.  I have felt in my heart, for years now, that I should be singing Christian music, that's where my heart leads me, but my mind still wants to sing country music too. 

God speaks to us in so many ways.  For me, it's through music.  It always has been.  Music is one of those universal ways people can communicate, so why wouldn't God use it as a medium to speak to us.  I want to share my songs, my talent, my voice, with others.  I want to share my struggles, my joys, my tears and my love with anyone who wants to listen and maybe I'll be able to touch someone with my music.  This is one of those ways I could use to hear God, yet there my guitar sits, in the corner, collecting dust most times. I have to be the one to take action, to ask God into my life and help me make the changes I need to make in order to find that happiness I once felt.

So, as I sit here, bouncing around with all these ideas, I am aware that perhaps the reason I'm not deep down in my soul happy right now is because I'm just not opening my heart to hear God.  I'm not doing everything I can to allow that to happen either.  I missed going to an Emmaus gathering this past Saturday night so I could hang out with my brother, sister-in-law and S, and I had a wonderful time spending a quiet but fun evening home cooking dinner and sharing some laughs.  I haven't gone to church in almost 2 months and that is playing a HUGE part in why I feel disconnected.  Even when I was going to a church that I wasn't completely connected to I was happy.  I need to start again and since my children will be in NJ this weekend with my parents and their father, I am going to take the opportunity to go to a service this weekend.  Maybe I'll try a new church, maybe I'll go to the one I'd been attending, I don't know. 

What I do know is I need to make a change - and soon.  I want my children to be happy.  I want them to feel like they have a Mom who isn't always sad, mad, yelling, angry.  Actually, the past couple of nights we've had a great time.  The boys played in the stream, we sat down to dinner as a family, boys got baths and we all read a story and said prayers.  Even my daughter joined in the activities. :)  Life can be a wonderful adventure, we just need to do our part to keep the door to our heart open to God and allow Him in, then we can be truly happy.

"Until now you have asked nothing in my name. Ask, and you will receive, that your joy may be full." John 16:24

If I ask for happiness in God's name, it will be granted to me... all I have to do is ask.  So, starting right now, I am going to do that.  Have an amazing day!!!

Do you struggle with allowing God into your heart?  Do you find yourself getting bogged down with the daily challenges or do you overcome them because you have the love of Jesus in your heart?  I'd love to hear how you handle the everyday strife.

Self preservation or is it just a defense mechanism?

This weekend seemed like it was so much longer than just 2 days.  I had a big discussion with S and with my daughter.  Sometimes I just get so overwhelmed with my feelings I don't know how to share them and they come out all wrong.  Well, that's what happened Saturday night.  Add to that being a crazy hormonal woman this week and it set me up for a challenging evening.  Sometimes I am so disappointed in myself and how I react to situations instead of responding thoughtfully.  I KNOW I am capable of responding with thoughtful consideration of others feelings and compassion, but the sarcasm just takes over at times and my mouth runneth over. 

S and I struggle with boundaries when it comes to our children.  I have never been in a situation like I am now, nor did I ever expect to be.  My children look at S as an important male figure in their lives - not because I put him there, but because that's the role they've given him themselves.  Even my boys, at 4 and 3, seem to consider him an important man in their lives.  My older son, A, has his moments and I know, down the road, we may have challenges with him and S's authority, but right now, all that little boy needs is to be loved and have someone help him learn how to be a man and respect authority.  It is a tricky situation, trying to understand where his authority lies with them.  Does he have the right to say something if the boys are misbehaving?  Should he say something if they are disrespecting me (and he really doesn't like it when they do that).  I believe he does.  I've given him the green light to say something when he feels he should, but he still hesitates.  He says the boundaries are still a gray area and most of the time he's not sure it's his place to say something. 

I struggle with this as well.  I WANT him to say something if he feels he should.  I WISH he would say something if he feels he should.  I told him I feel like he's keeping all of us at arm's length lately and I have felt the distance between us over the past several weeks.  With that said, he has really had a hard couple of weeks with his friend passing suddenly and facing his mortality and what would happen to his kids if he died tomorrow.  It's something we all need to consider, but I still try not to.  But he has a LOT going on in his life and just feels overwhelmed. 

He is scared of what may happen to all of our children down the road if it doesn't work out with us.  With that said, he's also talked about what it may be like down the road without hesitation... we are both scared of this not working.  I know I have felt like this is it for me.  He's the one I am meant to be with.  Everything happened so quickly with him that it scared the daylights out of me.  When I was dealing with my feelings for him for the first time - when I KNEW I was falling in love with him - I started back pedaling because I was afraid of getting hurt again.  He did the same thing, and thank goodness he was stronger than me, and said it first.  But we struggle on a daily basis with our fears, our past failed marriages and what our futures may hold.  We both put our children first, even though we know we deserve to be happy ourselves. 

I am finishing this post 2 days after beginning it so my thoughts are a little clearer now, but it's still a scary prospect.  We are both frightened of having our hearts broken again.  But deep down in my heart and soul, I know he won't break my heart.  I know God brought us together, and no one will tear us apart.  We may have our struggles, but we will get through them - together - and come out stronger on the other side. :)  You can just call me "Little Miss Susie Sunshine". :)