This weekend seemed like it was so much longer than just 2 days. I had a big discussion with S and with my daughter. Sometimes I just get so overwhelmed with my feelings I don't know how to share them and they come out all wrong. Well, that's what happened Saturday night. Add to that being a crazy hormonal woman this week and it set me up for a challenging evening. Sometimes I am so disappointed in myself and how I react to situations instead of responding thoughtfully. I KNOW I am capable of responding with thoughtful consideration of others feelings and compassion, but the sarcasm just takes over at times and my mouth runneth over.
S and I struggle with boundaries when it comes to our children. I have never been in a situation like I am now, nor did I ever expect to be. My children look at S as an important male figure in their lives - not because I put him there, but because that's the role they've given him themselves. Even my boys, at 4 and 3, seem to consider him an important man in their lives. My older son, A, has his moments and I know, down the road, we may have challenges with him and S's authority, but right now, all that little boy needs is to be loved and have someone help him learn how to be a man and respect authority. It is a tricky situation, trying to understand where his authority lies with them. Does he have the right to say something if the boys are misbehaving? Should he say something if they are disrespecting me (and he really doesn't like it when they do that). I believe he does. I've given him the green light to say something when he feels he should, but he still hesitates. He says the boundaries are still a gray area and most of the time he's not sure it's his place to say something.
I struggle with this as well. I WANT him to say something if he feels he should. I WISH he would say something if he feels he should. I told him I feel like he's keeping all of us at arm's length lately and I have felt the distance between us over the past several weeks. With that said, he has really had a hard couple of weeks with his friend passing suddenly and facing his mortality and what would happen to his kids if he died tomorrow. It's something we all need to consider, but I still try not to. But he has a LOT going on in his life and just feels overwhelmed.
He is scared of what may happen to all of our children down the road if it doesn't work out with us. With that said, he's also talked about what it may be like down the road without hesitation... we are both scared of this not working. I know I have felt like this is it for me. He's the one I am meant to be with. Everything happened so quickly with him that it scared the daylights out of me. When I was dealing with my feelings for him for the first time - when I KNEW I was falling in love with him - I started back pedaling because I was afraid of getting hurt again. He did the same thing, and thank goodness he was stronger than me, and said it first. But we struggle on a daily basis with our fears, our past failed marriages and what our futures may hold. We both put our children first, even though we know we deserve to be happy ourselves.
I am finishing this post 2 days after beginning it so my thoughts are a little clearer now, but it's still a scary prospect. We are both frightened of having our hearts broken again. But deep down in my heart and soul, I know he won't break my heart. I know God brought us together, and no one will tear us apart. We may have our struggles, but we will get through them - together - and come out stronger on the other side. :) You can just call me "Little Miss Susie Sunshine". :)
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