But then again, is it really anyone's friend? With everything that has been going on in my personal life, the ups and downs, the rollercoaster ride of emotions, last night was a breaking point for me and it was completely because of PMS. I was sad, yes, but the sobbing that ensued was not normal...lol.
Just when I think everything is taking a turn for the better, it takes a complete U-turn and goes the other way. The time I spent with S, his children and his friend the other night was so much fun. There was laughter, flirting, and one of the sweetest good night kisses I've had in a long time. The love he has for me is so apparent. All I can do is continue to pray, which I do constantly, all throughout the day. Last night I was crying out to God to hear me, to grant me peace, to help me know what to do and for the strength to endure the pain. There will never be another man in my life. I believe that with all my heart. And Jesus promised us that if we believe in something we pray for, without a doubt in our heart, believe we have received it and it will be ours. (Mark 11:23-24) I do believe it.
When I pray I ask God to bring peace to me and He does. I have been given signs that this will work out and S and I will be together again, but right now I am the only one praying, or at least I think I am. He is closing me off a bit, which really feels odd. He hasn't done that at all, not since we first started talking, and I don't like it. I feel like an outsider with him sometimes. He isn't the kind of person that just wants a casual relationship. He wouldn't just be stringing me along to have some fun on the side. I know he's still overwhelmed by the thought of being a father figure to my children but I believe with everything I am that God brought us together because he knew what was going to happen and knew S was the right man for me and my children. I love this man more than I ever thought I could love someone again, and this time, for the right reasons. I still believe this isn't over and not because I'm determined to make it work. It's just a sense of peace I get when I ask God to let me know if we are going to make it as a couple. Even that first talk we had last month (can you believe it's been a month already??) - within the first minute of him telling me he wasn't sure if we were going to make it, my heart sank momentarily and then something inside me said, This isn't over. And it wasn't me saying it to myself. Even I couldn't explain it, and I still can't. It's the Holy Spirit. It's God. And I am so grateful that He believes in me enough to speak to me like that.
I just pray that this works out, sooner rather than later, and that we come together in such an amazing and incredible way, that I couldn't even have imagined it would be so good. I pray for S to hear God and to trust that he can be that father-figure to my children, as he has already become. I pray for God to take the confusion and fear away from him so that he can realize the truth in his feelings. I love this man and I know in my heart God brought us together. I just pray S believes in that as much as I do. Giving him his space has not been easy, but I am doing my best.
Please pray for both of us and my children as their father prepares to move to California at the end of September. Life is going to change drastically, for all of us. I pray S is there for all of us...
