Last night was one of those moments you learn to appreciate life and respect that we are not in control of how long we are on this earth, so you better make the most of it while you can. My boyfriend received a call last night that a friend's son was killed in a motorcycle crash. He was 21, barely beginning to live his life. My prayers go out to the family and friends of this young man. It really caused me to stop and think about not only my own mortality, but how I would survive if I had received a call like that about one of my own children. I shudder to think, to even put it out in the universe (as my ex would say), but with a daughter who is about to turn 16 in 10 days and start driving, it is a very real fear.
I can instill as much fear about driving fast and accidents and death that I want into her. At the end of the day, it comes down to the decision she makes, whether that's getting in a car with someone else who is driving too fast, or worse, impaired due to alcohol or drugs. I pray I've taught her enough to know she can say no to getting in the car and call me, but as a parent, I want to protect my children. I want them to live in the bubble of safety I've created for them, but the reality is, at some point, they are going to grow up and make decisions that will impact their lives and their futures.
How do you comfort someone who is dealing with the loss of a child. My grandmother has lost not only her husband, but both her son and daughter-in-law. She clings to my mother now and says she can't go through the pain of losing another child. If I were in this mother's shoes, I don't know what I'd do. People tell me I'm strong, that I can carry the burdens of so many and still keep pushing forward, but I think this would be the one thing that would stop me in my tracks and make me crumple to the floor in a heap. I don't know that I'd be able to get back up again.
People ask why did this happen? I don't have an answer and it really bothers me when "good Christians" tell the grieving parent, "It was God's will" or "God needed him more than us." That's crap. I'm sorry, but you are not God. You don't know what God's will is or why this child was taken. So don't pretend like you do. All you are doing is upsetting the parent. Be honest, you don't know. I don't know. Nobody knows. All we can do is comfort them. Sometimes that means holding them while they sob in our arms, listen to them as they scream at God, sometimes it just means sitting quietly, holding their hand.
I am holding this family in my prayers, not just for now, but for the weeks and months and years to come as the reality of what has happened truly hits them, when after the chaos of what has happened and the arrangements that will have to be made are over, when the lines of people coming to visit dwindles down to just a few close friends calling to check in on them, that's when they will need even more prayers and love.
I don't really know where this is going. I guess I don't really have a point to this post today, other than to vent my feelings, frustrations and fears. May God's peace surround the family and friends of this young man and may His love envelop them and ease their pain. Amen.
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Struggling with the false perception of control
"In a time of universal deceit, telling the truth is a revolutionary act." - George Orwell
I can't even begin to explain how true those words ring to me right now. A few weeks ago I had a tough couple of days thanks to my ex-husband. I feel like somehow, I'm the one who should feel guilty, yet I know that's not true. I am not the one who continues to tell lies to try and make life seem rosier... I am honest. I tell the truth, even when I know it will hurt. That took me a long time to learn, but I did learn and I follow through with that now. So why is it that I allow him to continue to hurt me and make me feel bad?
Do I have control of my life? What does having control of my life really mean? We all have a perceived control of our lives, but when things go wrong, we wonder how it happened? This is where our faith in God comes into play. "The earth is the Lord's, and the fulness thereof; the world, and they that dwell therein." Psalm 24:1 God is in control, not me. When things are going well in my life, I have a tendency to take credit for how well things are going. I accomplished these things, I created my happiness, MY hard work is the reason things are going so well in my life... does any of this sound familiar? Yet, when my world starts falling apart, or something happens in our personal life that makes us question where we are or how we got to this point, we realize, we were never in control.
As humans, we make choices. It is our right to make the wrong choice and it is God's hope that we will learn from our mistakes and correct them and return to the path He has set before us. I know my path looks like a wandering drunken fool's path, twisting and turning, sometimes going in circles. There have been times I've walked straight, with my head up and my eyes turned towards the Heavens giving thanks to God for the gifts of happiness and peace, but when I turn my eyes away from Him, it's then that I struggle, like I am now.
The Bible says, "I sought the Lord, and he answered me, and delivered me from all my fears." (Psalm 34:4) It is time I listened to the word of God and changed my ways. All I have to do is ask, and God listens.
I find myself struggling to find that feeling of being centered, of peace, of tranquility. I get glimpses of it, but I have allowed others to drag me down and misguide me. Well no more. I'm done allowing others in my life bring me down. It's about time I stand up for myself and have some confidence in who I am and what I do. I am a good mom, no, I'm a great mom. I do the best I can with what I have. We don't have a lot of money, but we have fun and we love each other. My children have a roof over their heads, food on the table, warm clothes, toys, a big yard and lots of love from so many people.
It's so easy to get lost in the day to day grind and take the simple things in life for granted. My drive to work each morning consists of 20 mins. of country scenery - rolling hills, mountains, fields, woods... nature at it's finest. I am blessed to have such tranquility surround me. I get to point out the sunrise to my boys as we drive to daycare in the morning, and the beautiful colors of the sunset as we drive home towards the mountains again. We have a stream running through our back yard and mountains in the distance. I thank God every day for the blessings he has bestowed on us, and when a day like the one above happens to me, and I momentarily forget how blessed I am, all I have to do is walk outside and realize, I am where I belong. A sense of peace washes over me and I am calm. That is God's peace washing over me.
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7
I can't even begin to explain how true those words ring to me right now. A few weeks ago I had a tough couple of days thanks to my ex-husband. I feel like somehow, I'm the one who should feel guilty, yet I know that's not true. I am not the one who continues to tell lies to try and make life seem rosier... I am honest. I tell the truth, even when I know it will hurt. That took me a long time to learn, but I did learn and I follow through with that now. So why is it that I allow him to continue to hurt me and make me feel bad?
Do I have control of my life? What does having control of my life really mean? We all have a perceived control of our lives, but when things go wrong, we wonder how it happened? This is where our faith in God comes into play. "The earth is the Lord's, and the fulness thereof; the world, and they that dwell therein." Psalm 24:1 God is in control, not me. When things are going well in my life, I have a tendency to take credit for how well things are going. I accomplished these things, I created my happiness, MY hard work is the reason things are going so well in my life... does any of this sound familiar? Yet, when my world starts falling apart, or something happens in our personal life that makes us question where we are or how we got to this point, we realize, we were never in control.
As humans, we make choices. It is our right to make the wrong choice and it is God's hope that we will learn from our mistakes and correct them and return to the path He has set before us. I know my path looks like a wandering drunken fool's path, twisting and turning, sometimes going in circles. There have been times I've walked straight, with my head up and my eyes turned towards the Heavens giving thanks to God for the gifts of happiness and peace, but when I turn my eyes away from Him, it's then that I struggle, like I am now.
The Bible says, "I sought the Lord, and he answered me, and delivered me from all my fears." (Psalm 34:4) It is time I listened to the word of God and changed my ways. All I have to do is ask, and God listens.
I find myself struggling to find that feeling of being centered, of peace, of tranquility. I get glimpses of it, but I have allowed others to drag me down and misguide me. Well no more. I'm done allowing others in my life bring me down. It's about time I stand up for myself and have some confidence in who I am and what I do. I am a good mom, no, I'm a great mom. I do the best I can with what I have. We don't have a lot of money, but we have fun and we love each other. My children have a roof over their heads, food on the table, warm clothes, toys, a big yard and lots of love from so many people.
It's so easy to get lost in the day to day grind and take the simple things in life for granted. My drive to work each morning consists of 20 mins. of country scenery - rolling hills, mountains, fields, woods... nature at it's finest. I am blessed to have such tranquility surround me. I get to point out the sunrise to my boys as we drive to daycare in the morning, and the beautiful colors of the sunset as we drive home towards the mountains again. We have a stream running through our back yard and mountains in the distance. I thank God every day for the blessings he has bestowed on us, and when a day like the one above happens to me, and I momentarily forget how blessed I am, all I have to do is walk outside and realize, I am where I belong. A sense of peace washes over me and I am calm. That is God's peace washing over me.
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7
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