Did you ever just have one of those weekends you thought would be wonderful and then it was just the opposite. That happened to me the weekend after 4th of July. I thought S and I would have a great weekend together and enjoy each other’s company and the weather but then I was blind sided by him saying he’s not sure we are going to work… there are a lot of feelings tied into this, not the least of which is we each still love the other but it comes down to the responsibility of being a father figure to my children and whether he is ready or willing to take on that responsibility. I was heartbroken, yet throughout the entire weekend, even as he was telling me all his feelings and thoughts, not one ounce of my being said this was over. There was no sinking feeling inside of me, no knot in my stomach, just an odd sense of peace that everything is going to work out. I had no explanation for it, but I told him how I felt and that I believed this wasn’t over. I also told him I don’t give up easily… I don’t know how. All he said was, “I know.”
So, I cried a lot this weekend, prayed a lot this weekend, cried some more, talked to the most incredible Christian friends a woman could ask for who listened to me, once again, cry about the man in my life hurting me, but this time it was not an intentional hurt. He is hurting just as much, if not more, than I am, which is why this is so difficult to understand.
My friend K talked to me this morning and essentially preached a sermon just for me. Essentially she said I NEED to put God first in EVERYTHING I do. If I don’t, he will continually challenge me until I learn to rely on Him. He doesn’t do things to hurt us, he does them so that we can grow. There is a lesson to be learned in all of this and as K said, I am going to come out a stronger, better woman on the other side of it and S will come out a stronger and better man on the other side as well. And together we will be an unstoppable force. God has big plans for us. Out of the handful of people I’ve talked to this weekend, NOT one of them said it’s over and they are sorry. EVERY SINGLE ONE said it’s not over, and don’t give up. EVERY SINGLE ONE. So, who am I to go against the majority? Even K says this isn’t over…and when she speaks, especially when she says she’s never felt like this before…like the Holy Spirit is unsettled inside of her, I listen. She has rarely been wrong when it comes to God’s plan. Does she have the gift of prophecy, I’m not sure. But I learned a long time ago, when K says she feels a certain way and can back it up with scripture and verse, I listen. She hasn’t hurt me yet.
Sometimes, we need hope. “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” – Jeremiah 29:11 God has a plan for me, He has a lesson for me to learn here. I just am not sure what it is, but I’m going to continue to pray that he shows me so that I can learn from it and move on. I heard from S twice this morning already. It’s feeling like it was before already. Even though I know it’s not yet, I believe we can be even better together after this struggle. We will be stronger and more understanding and more committed than ever before and nothing will keep us apart.
God I pray for S to have the courage to deal with the fear, to conquer the fear within him and for your peace to surround him and his family as the fear leaves. Grant me your peace and understanding in this moment so that I may learn from this lesson and move forward, praising your name and sharing your love and peace with everyone around me. In Jesus’ name. Amen.
