I was listening to Joyce Meyer this morning, as I try to do every morning on my way to work/daycare, and she had already been speaking for a few minutes. It was like she was talking to me. The first thing she said as I was pulling out of my driveway was, "The more you speak about something, the worse it gets. It doesn't help you feel better, it makes you feel worse and the more you talk to people about it, the more overwhelmed you feel." She is so right. She said we do need to vent to someone, to ask our friends to pray for us during these struggles, but we don't need to share them with the whole world. It's the devil's way of pushing our buttons and pulling us away from God.
Over the past few months, I've felt myself go from being so thankful for the gifts God has given me, such as the house we are living in, moving to the country, my children being happy, etc., to feeling empty and like there's a dark cloud hanging over my family. I can't shake the emptiness I feel sometimes, although after a VERY vivid dream a few weeks ago, my life has definitely gotten better. I have shining moments now, but there's still something missing, and I know it's God. I'm not letting him in like I used to. I'm not praying like I used to. I'm not listening, like I used to. I complain about the tough times in my life, but not just to one or two people. I complain to all of my friends, and the more I talk about the challenges, the harder they seem to be to overcome.
"Whoever gives thought to the word will discover good, and blessed is he who trusts in the Lord." Proverbs 16:20
I picked up my guitar last night for the first time in almost a week and realized I still have dreams of singing. Perhaps they are unrealistic. I have wanted to be a country singer for such a long time now, I can't even remember when the dream began, yet whenever I get an opportunity (even a small one like competing to sing a duet with Billy Currington on stage) I struggle. But, when I sing in church, or praise God at an Emmaus gathering, my voice soars. The tone is clear and rich and everything flows beautifully. I have felt in my heart, for years now, that I should be singing Christian music, that's where my heart leads me, but my mind still wants to sing country music too.
God speaks to us in so many ways. For me, it's through music. It always has been. Music is one of those universal ways people can communicate, so why wouldn't God use it as a medium to speak to us. I want to share my songs, my talent, my voice, with others. I want to share my struggles, my joys, my tears and my love with anyone who wants to listen and maybe I'll be able to touch someone with my music. This is one of those ways I could use to hear God, yet there my guitar sits, in the corner, collecting dust most times. I have to be the one to take action, to ask God into my life and help me make the changes I need to make in order to find that happiness I once felt.
So, as I sit here, bouncing around with all these ideas, I am aware that perhaps the reason I'm not deep down in my soul happy right now is because I'm just not opening my heart to hear God. I'm not doing everything I can to allow that to happen either. I missed going to an Emmaus gathering this past Saturday night so I could hang out with my brother, sister-in-law and S, and I had a wonderful time spending a quiet but fun evening home cooking dinner and sharing some laughs. I haven't gone to church in almost 2 months and that is playing a HUGE part in why I feel disconnected. Even when I was going to a church that I wasn't completely connected to I was happy. I need to start again and since my children will be in NJ this weekend with my parents and their father, I am going to take the opportunity to go to a service this weekend. Maybe I'll try a new church, maybe I'll go to the one I'd been attending, I don't know.
What I do know is I need to make a change - and soon. I want my children to be happy. I want them to feel like they have a Mom who isn't always sad, mad, yelling, angry. Actually, the past couple of nights we've had a great time. The boys played in the stream, we sat down to dinner as a family, boys got baths and we all read a story and said prayers. Even my daughter joined in the activities. :) Life can be a wonderful adventure, we just need to do our part to keep the door to our heart open to God and allow Him in, then we can be truly happy.
"Until now you have asked nothing in my name. Ask, and you will receive, that your joy may be full." John 16:24
If I ask for happiness in God's name, it will be granted to me... all I have to do is ask. So, starting right now, I am going to do that. Have an amazing day!!!
Do you struggle with allowing God into your heart? Do you find yourself getting bogged down with the daily challenges or do you overcome them because you have the love of Jesus in your heart? I'd love to hear how you handle the everyday strife.
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