I was listening to Focus on the Family this morning and the second part of a conversation with Bill & Pam Farrell, authors of The Marriage Code. I listened to the first part of the program yesterday as well and found it to be an eye opening conversation. They spoke about the user names (husband and wife) and the pass codes or passwords that go with each user name to unlock the heart of their spouse. When they started discussing what the husband's password was to unlock the heart of his wife, I thought to myself, "No... that's not it." But then as they continued the discussion and I started thinking to myself, it was true. The password is security.
When I think back to my relationship with my ex-husband, and everything we went through and how it made me feel, I realized, the only thing I ever wanted was to feel secure in our relationship and know that it was safe for me to be exactly who I was around him. Unfortunately, that never really happened and many times, I felt like I had to mask how I was really feeling or thinking. There was never any security there, and so I was never truly happy or settled in our relationship.
At the same time, I'm not sure I helped him either. The password for a wife to unlock her husband's heart is success. Again, looking back, it makes perfect sense. If he doesn't feel like he's a success in his work, as a husband and a father, he is going to struggle in the relationship as well. It's our jobs as women to build up our men and help them see they are succeeding.
I listened to this with an open heart. Many of the things they were talking about related to me in such a real way, I had no choice but to listen. I was listening so intently, that even my boys were quiet for that 30 mins on the ride to daycare.
I am in a wonderful relationship with a man I am certain I will spend the rest of my life with. Will we get married? I believe someday we will, but definitely NO time in the near future. We are still dealing with the scars of our past failed marriages and that takes a lot of patience to understand one another and being open with one another about our feelings and what certain actions cause us to feel. But as I listened to the broadcast today, I realized that both S and I need to feel these things. It's what makes us tick, and at the end of the day, if I feel secure, I'll be happier and more easily trust him and if he feels like he succeeded that day, he'll be happier as well and hopefully be able to put his trust in me.
All I want to do is support him, but much like trying to find what "love language" we each speak, this couple hones it down to the two most important qualities we seek from our spouse or significant other. All I really want is to feel secure, to be who I truly am, and sometimes, that is not pretty, but to be accepted by the man I love because he knows it's temporary. And for him to feel like he can trust me because my goal is to help him succeed, not only at work, but also as a husband or significant other and a father.
THE most important aspect of this entire conversation, which stood out to me above all, is keep God in your marriage. That is something A and I didn't really do. I knew he was a man of faith. We went to church together and worhsipped together, we would have conversations about our faith and beliefs sometimes, but we never went below the surface. In just the short time I've known S, I've opened up to him about some of my deepest beliefs, the role my faith plays in my life and some very personal moments I've had that, at the time, scared me, but looking back I see it was the Holy Spirit working within me. That is what we need to do in our relationships. We need to ask God to come into our hearts and help us with the struggles.
Most importantly (and this is a BIG one for me), we need to stop reacting to our spouse/significant other and think before we speak. We need to ask God and the Holy Spirit to give us the words to say so that we do not hurt the one we love. If we ask that, He will come into our hearts and give us the words. All we have to do is open our hearts so that we can hear Him.
So, at the end of the day (or beginning as I type this), I have learned quite a lot. So much so, that I've downloaded a copy of the broadcast and bought the book. I absolutely recommend both of them to you, whether you are in a marriage that is doing great or struggling, or in a committed relationship, this couple can help you gain a better understanding of your loved one and help you learn how to improve your relationship. I can't wait to read the book and share it with S. I hope you'll look into it.
(I am not receiving any compensation for this review. All opinions and text are my own.)
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