PMS is NOT my friend

But then again, is it really anyone's friend?  With everything that has been going on in my personal life, the ups and downs, the rollercoaster ride of emotions, last night was a breaking point for me and it was completely because of PMS.  I was sad, yes, but the sobbing that ensued was not normal...lol. 

Just when I think everything is taking a turn for the better, it takes a complete U-turn and goes the other way.  The time I spent with S, his children and his friend the other night was so much fun.  There was laughter, flirting, and one of the sweetest good night kisses I've had in a long time.  The love he has for me is so apparent.  All I can do is continue to pray, which I do constantly, all throughout the day.  Last night I was crying out to God to hear me, to grant me peace, to help me know what to do and for the strength to endure the pain.  There will never be another man in my life.  I believe that with all my heart.  And Jesus promised us that if we believe in something we pray for, without a doubt in our heart, believe we have received it and it will be ours.  (Mark 11:23-24)  I do believe it. 

When I pray I ask God to bring peace to me and He does.  I have been given signs that this will work out and S and I will be together again, but right now I am the only one praying, or at least I think I am. He is closing me off a bit, which really feels odd.  He hasn't done that at all, not since we first started talking, and I don't like it.  I feel like an outsider with him sometimes.  He isn't the kind of person that just wants a casual relationship.  He wouldn't just be stringing me along to have some fun on the side.  I know he's still overwhelmed by the thought of being a father figure to my children but I believe with everything I am that God brought us together because he knew what was going to happen and knew S was the right man for me and my children.  I love this man more than I ever thought I could love someone again, and this time, for the right reasons.  I still believe this isn't over and not because I'm determined to make it work.  It's just a sense of peace I get when I ask God to let me know if we are going to make it as a couple.  Even that first talk we had last month (can you believe it's been a month already??) - within the first minute of him telling me he wasn't sure if we were going to make it, my heart sank momentarily and then something inside me said, This isn't over.  And it wasn't me saying it to myself.  Even I couldn't explain it, and I still can't.  It's the Holy Spirit.  It's God.  And I am so grateful that He believes in me enough to speak to me like that. 

I just pray that this works out, sooner rather than later, and that we come together in such an amazing and incredible way, that I couldn't even have imagined it would be so good.  I pray for S to hear God and to trust that he can be that father-figure to my children, as he has already become.  I pray for God to take the confusion and fear away from him so that he can realize the truth in his feelings.  I love this man and I know in my heart God brought us together.  I just pray S believes in that as much as I do.  Giving him his space has not been easy, but I am doing my best. 

Please pray for both of us and my children as their father prepares to move to California at the end of September.  Life is going to change drastically, for all of us. I pray S is there for all of us...

Hope

Did you ever just have one of those weekends you thought would be wonderful and then it was just the opposite. That happened to me the weekend after 4th of July. I thought S and I would have a great weekend together and enjoy each other’s company and the weather but then I was blind sided by him saying he’s not sure we are going to work… there are a lot of feelings tied into this, not the least of which is we each still love the other but it comes down to the responsibility of being a father figure to my children and whether he is ready or willing to take on that responsibility. I was heartbroken, yet throughout the entire weekend, even as he was telling me all his feelings and thoughts, not one ounce of my being said this was over. There was no sinking feeling inside of me, no knot in my stomach, just an odd sense of peace that everything is going to work out. I had no explanation for it, but I told him how I felt and that I believed this wasn’t over. I also told him I don’t give up easily… I don’t know how. All he said was, “I know.”

So, I cried a lot this weekend, prayed a lot this weekend, cried some more, talked to the most incredible Christian friends a woman could ask for who listened to me, once again, cry about the man in my life hurting me, but this time it was not an intentional hurt. He is hurting just as much, if not more, than I am, which is why this is so difficult to understand.

My friend K talked to me this morning and essentially preached a sermon just for me. Essentially she said I NEED to put God first in EVERYTHING I do. If I don’t, he will continually challenge me until I learn to rely on Him. He doesn’t do things to hurt us, he does them so that we can grow. There is a lesson to be learned in all of this and as K said, I am going to come out a stronger, better woman on the other side of it and S will come out a stronger and better man on the other side as well. And together we will be an unstoppable force. God has big plans for us. Out of the handful of people I’ve talked to this weekend, NOT one of them said it’s over and they are sorry. EVERY SINGLE ONE said it’s not over, and don’t give up. EVERY SINGLE ONE. So, who am I to go against the majority? Even K says this isn’t over…and when she speaks, especially when she says she’s never felt like this before…like the Holy Spirit is unsettled inside of her, I listen. She has rarely been wrong when it comes to God’s plan. Does she have the gift of prophecy, I’m not sure. But I learned a long time ago, when K says she feels a certain way and can back it up with scripture and verse, I listen. She hasn’t hurt me yet.

Sometimes, we need hope. “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” – Jeremiah 29:11 God has a plan for me, He has a lesson for me to learn here. I just am not sure what it is, but I’m going to continue to pray that he shows me so that I can learn from it and move on. I heard from S twice this morning already. It’s feeling like it was before already. Even though I know it’s not yet, I believe we can be even better together after this struggle. We will be stronger and more understanding and more committed than ever before and nothing will keep us apart.

God I pray for S to have the courage to deal with the fear, to conquer the fear within him and for your peace to surround him and his family as the fear leaves. Grant me your peace and understanding in this moment so that I may learn from this lesson and move forward, praising your name and sharing your love and peace with everyone around me. In Jesus’ name. Amen.

Just call me Susie Sunshine :)

I have been accused of worse things than finding the positive in a situation.  No matter how bad, there's always something to look at in a different way.  Sometimes it takes me longer than others, days even, to find that positive in a situation, but I can usually do it.  Actually, I don't think I find the positive as often as God shows it to me.  This past weekend is a great example of that.  With everything that is going on in my life and the roller coaster I seem to be on every day between my children and my ex-husband, I have found a silver lining. 

I also read something that caught my attention and made me stop and think.  Cindy, Super Ty's Mom, said, "All I can do is channel all of my energy into prayers for healing and strength.  It helps me get through all of my moments of anger and frustration."  She's right.  I can't look at the giant picture and worry about everything all at once.  I can only deal with one piece at a time, so today, I'm going to handle what comes at me today.  I am going to continue to put one foot in front of the other and take one day at a time.  I will get through this because I am a strong, faith filled woman and with God as my guide, I can get through anything.  Thank you for reminding me to rely on God first and foremost Cindy.  I needed that.

I pray for peace within my family and for strength to handle the everyday challenges of being a single mother, but now, I also need the wisdom to handle the frustrations of all three of my children as we move forward through the next couple of months and the changes that are about to occur in their lives.  God give me strenght, wisdom and understanding to help them, comfort them and love them through it all.

As if we haven't dealt with enough big changes in our lives...

My children have had to deal with so much loss and change in their lives in the past several years, but especially in the last year between us moving out of the home we lived in while I was married to their father, and then moving upstate and now with their father planning a HUGE move that will impact them even further, I just don't know how they are going to handle it. 

Children are resilient. I hear it all the time, but the human spirit is a fragile thing and I worry about them and how they will handle yet another huge loss in their lives.  My heart hurts for them and I just want to wrap them up in my arms and tell them everything will be ok and they won't ever get hurt again.  But I can't do that.  That's not realistic.  They will feel pain.  We all do.  I just want them to know they have one constant in their lives - me.  I love them with all my heart and would do anything for them.  I am their rock and I have NO intentions of leaving them - ever.  I can't even bear the thought of not being around them.  Even when they are driving me nuts and calling my name 150x an hour, I wouldn't know what to do without hearing that for more than a day or two.  I love them all so much and all so differently, yet the same.  This is their father's choice and it is going to have a very pronounced impact on them.  Perhaps not as much right now for the boys, but in the years to come, they will come to question his motives for leaving, and I hope he's ready to answer them truthfully and be prepared for their responses. 

Children are resilient... as long as they have a solid but soft place to land, they are.  I will be that soft landing, that solid place that will never leave them.  God bless my children and watch over them, as you always have.

I love you unconditionally!!... or do I?

I have read the post titled, "I'm Christian, unless you're gay" at Single Dad Laughing several times now, and some of the responses that go along with it as well, and I am still moved by the thought provoking words Dan expressed. I am a Christian and I like to think I love unconditionally. People ask me how I can forgive my ex-husband for what he did to me through the years, but especially for what led to our divorce, and I tell everyone I forgave him. It’s not my job to judge him, and I truly feel that way in my heart. But what this post has caused me to think about is, do I have those same feelings for everyone in my life? If I’m being honest, the answer is no. I wish it weren’t. But thanks to people like Dan who are not afraid to share their feelings with the world, my eyes have been opened.



I don’t want to push my family or friends away because of my judgmental character. Yes, I’ve been hurt and my children have been hurt, but that doesn’t mean I have to hurt others in return. It is true, I do not have the right to judge others. I had this conversation with my oldest brother last year, and he disagreed with me. My response came straight out of the Bible. Matthew 7:1-5. “Do not judge, or you too will be judged. 2 For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. 3 “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? 4 How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? 5 You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.


Why is it so easy to look at everyone else’s problems, misgivings, attitudes and actions and judge them, yet when someone looks at me or my family, I say things like, “Don’t judge me lest ye be judged”? I don’t like looking at myself in the mirror sometimes and realizing I’ve been a bad Christian, or worse yet, a bad friend, daughter or mother.

There are so many things I want to do different as a mother than how my parents raised me, but I guess many of us say that. But truly, all I really want is to have a loving and open relationship with my children, especially my daughter, because I didn't have that with my Mom when I was younger. We are much more open now, but I don't want to wait that long with my own children. 

There are many things I love and admire about how my parents raised me. I ALWAYS knew that my parents loved me and would do whatever they could to make my brother and I happy. They worked so hard to provide for us, sometimes working more than one job. And we always had extended family around. That is something I have enjoyed continuing with my children – including all the aunts, uncles and cousins in our family celebrations.

But when it comes down to it, am I really loving them unconditionally? Do I love everyone like that? Do I love S like that? Or do I allow my past scars to give me the “right” to judge or hold things against him? I believe the latter is true and it hurts me now to just write those words and admit it, not only to myself, but to the world as I write this. There may be nobody reading this right now, but some day, they might and I hope I’m in a better place and can say I don’t make these mistakes as often as I once did.


S is an important part of my life, but we both agree our children are first and foremost in our lives. I look at my daughter and realize in just a couple of years she’ll be off and on her own after graduation, whether that’s joining the military, as she has recently begun thinking about, or going to college. My boys are much younger and at 4 and 3 have VERY different personalities. "A" is very thoughtful and a bit whiny at times, but the compassion and love that comes from that boy is almost unbelievable at times. I have been trying to take a step back from the daily grind and stresses of everyday life and enjoy each of my children. "A" just continues to grow by leaps and bounds and changes on an almost daily basis.


Then there’s "E". He is a riot. He’s happy-go-lucky and loves everyone. I call him my “mush” because all he ever does is give me hugs and kisses. He is almost always smiling and laughing and he enjoys life. When I look at him I try to learn from him. Perhaps that’s what we really need to do. Let’s all take a step back and watch and learn from our children. We, as adults, need to be reminded to enjoy life, every aspect of it. Take the time to sit down and watch the sunset or if you’re an early riser like we are, the sunrise. Play in the stream, catch frogs, fish, run with the dog, go on hikes, watch the stars come out, look for the moon coming over the mountain and smile and be in awe of God’s majesty all around us. Life is not here for us to judge, but to enjoy. Maybe if we thought more like that, the world would be a little happier and more accepting.  

Perhaps I'm just a dreamer.  I've been accused of worse, but at the end of the day, if I know I've done all I can do to be a more accepting person and love those around me unconditionally, then I can go to bed happy.  I just pray I get the chance to do it again tomorrow.

The more you speak, the worse it gets...

I was listening to Joyce Meyer this morning, as I try to do every morning on my way to work/daycare, and she had already been speaking for a few minutes.  It was like she was talking to me.  The first thing she said as I was pulling out of my driveway was, "The more you speak about something, the worse it gets.  It doesn't help you feel better, it makes you feel worse and the more you talk to people about it, the more overwhelmed you feel."  She is so right.  She said we do need to vent to someone, to ask our friends to pray for us during these struggles, but we don't need to share them with the whole world.  It's the devil's way of pushing our buttons and pulling us away from God. 

Over the past few months, I've felt myself go from being so thankful for the gifts God has given me, such as the house we are living in, moving to the country, my children being happy, etc., to feeling empty and like there's a dark cloud hanging over my family.  I can't shake the emptiness I feel sometimes, although after a VERY vivid dream a few weeks ago, my life has definitely gotten better.  I have shining moments now, but there's still something missing, and I know it's God.  I'm not letting him in like I used to.  I'm not praying like I used to. I'm not listening, like I used to.  I complain about the tough times in my life, but not just to one or two people.  I complain to all of my friends, and the more I talk about the challenges, the harder they seem to be to overcome.

"Whoever gives thought to the word will discover good, and blessed is he who trusts in the Lord." Proverbs 16:20

I picked up my guitar last night for the first time in almost a week and realized I still have dreams of singing.  Perhaps they are unrealistic.  I have wanted to be a country singer for such a long time now, I can't even remember when the dream began, yet whenever I get an opportunity (even a small one like competing to sing a duet with Billy Currington on stage) I struggle.  But, when I sing in church, or praise God at an Emmaus gathering, my voice soars.  The tone is clear and rich and everything flows beautifully.  I have felt in my heart, for years now, that I should be singing Christian music, that's where my heart leads me, but my mind still wants to sing country music too. 

God speaks to us in so many ways.  For me, it's through music.  It always has been.  Music is one of those universal ways people can communicate, so why wouldn't God use it as a medium to speak to us.  I want to share my songs, my talent, my voice, with others.  I want to share my struggles, my joys, my tears and my love with anyone who wants to listen and maybe I'll be able to touch someone with my music.  This is one of those ways I could use to hear God, yet there my guitar sits, in the corner, collecting dust most times. I have to be the one to take action, to ask God into my life and help me make the changes I need to make in order to find that happiness I once felt.

So, as I sit here, bouncing around with all these ideas, I am aware that perhaps the reason I'm not deep down in my soul happy right now is because I'm just not opening my heart to hear God.  I'm not doing everything I can to allow that to happen either.  I missed going to an Emmaus gathering this past Saturday night so I could hang out with my brother, sister-in-law and S, and I had a wonderful time spending a quiet but fun evening home cooking dinner and sharing some laughs.  I haven't gone to church in almost 2 months and that is playing a HUGE part in why I feel disconnected.  Even when I was going to a church that I wasn't completely connected to I was happy.  I need to start again and since my children will be in NJ this weekend with my parents and their father, I am going to take the opportunity to go to a service this weekend.  Maybe I'll try a new church, maybe I'll go to the one I'd been attending, I don't know. 

What I do know is I need to make a change - and soon.  I want my children to be happy.  I want them to feel like they have a Mom who isn't always sad, mad, yelling, angry.  Actually, the past couple of nights we've had a great time.  The boys played in the stream, we sat down to dinner as a family, boys got baths and we all read a story and said prayers.  Even my daughter joined in the activities. :)  Life can be a wonderful adventure, we just need to do our part to keep the door to our heart open to God and allow Him in, then we can be truly happy.

"Until now you have asked nothing in my name. Ask, and you will receive, that your joy may be full." John 16:24

If I ask for happiness in God's name, it will be granted to me... all I have to do is ask.  So, starting right now, I am going to do that.  Have an amazing day!!!

Do you struggle with allowing God into your heart?  Do you find yourself getting bogged down with the daily challenges or do you overcome them because you have the love of Jesus in your heart?  I'd love to hear how you handle the everyday strife.

Self preservation or is it just a defense mechanism?

This weekend seemed like it was so much longer than just 2 days.  I had a big discussion with S and with my daughter.  Sometimes I just get so overwhelmed with my feelings I don't know how to share them and they come out all wrong.  Well, that's what happened Saturday night.  Add to that being a crazy hormonal woman this week and it set me up for a challenging evening.  Sometimes I am so disappointed in myself and how I react to situations instead of responding thoughtfully.  I KNOW I am capable of responding with thoughtful consideration of others feelings and compassion, but the sarcasm just takes over at times and my mouth runneth over. 

S and I struggle with boundaries when it comes to our children.  I have never been in a situation like I am now, nor did I ever expect to be.  My children look at S as an important male figure in their lives - not because I put him there, but because that's the role they've given him themselves.  Even my boys, at 4 and 3, seem to consider him an important man in their lives.  My older son, A, has his moments and I know, down the road, we may have challenges with him and S's authority, but right now, all that little boy needs is to be loved and have someone help him learn how to be a man and respect authority.  It is a tricky situation, trying to understand where his authority lies with them.  Does he have the right to say something if the boys are misbehaving?  Should he say something if they are disrespecting me (and he really doesn't like it when they do that).  I believe he does.  I've given him the green light to say something when he feels he should, but he still hesitates.  He says the boundaries are still a gray area and most of the time he's not sure it's his place to say something. 

I struggle with this as well.  I WANT him to say something if he feels he should.  I WISH he would say something if he feels he should.  I told him I feel like he's keeping all of us at arm's length lately and I have felt the distance between us over the past several weeks.  With that said, he has really had a hard couple of weeks with his friend passing suddenly and facing his mortality and what would happen to his kids if he died tomorrow.  It's something we all need to consider, but I still try not to.  But he has a LOT going on in his life and just feels overwhelmed. 

He is scared of what may happen to all of our children down the road if it doesn't work out with us.  With that said, he's also talked about what it may be like down the road without hesitation... we are both scared of this not working.  I know I have felt like this is it for me.  He's the one I am meant to be with.  Everything happened so quickly with him that it scared the daylights out of me.  When I was dealing with my feelings for him for the first time - when I KNEW I was falling in love with him - I started back pedaling because I was afraid of getting hurt again.  He did the same thing, and thank goodness he was stronger than me, and said it first.  But we struggle on a daily basis with our fears, our past failed marriages and what our futures may hold.  We both put our children first, even though we know we deserve to be happy ourselves. 

I am finishing this post 2 days after beginning it so my thoughts are a little clearer now, but it's still a scary prospect.  We are both frightened of having our hearts broken again.  But deep down in my heart and soul, I know he won't break my heart.  I know God brought us together, and no one will tear us apart.  We may have our struggles, but we will get through them - together - and come out stronger on the other side. :)  You can just call me "Little Miss Susie Sunshine". :)

Is security really what I'm looking for?

I was listening to Focus on the Family this morning and the second part of a conversation with Bill & Pam Farrell, authors of The Marriage Code. I listened to the first part of the program yesterday as well and found it to be an eye opening conversation.  They spoke about the user names (husband and wife) and the pass codes or passwords that go with each user name to unlock the heart of their spouse.  When they started discussing what the husband's password was to unlock the heart of his wife, I thought to myself, "No... that's not it."  But then as they continued the discussion and I started thinking to myself, it was true.  The password is security.

When I think back to my relationship with my ex-husband, and everything we went through and how it made me feel, I realized, the only thing I ever wanted was to feel secure in our relationship and know that it was safe for me to be exactly who I was around him.  Unfortunately, that never really happened and many times, I felt like I had to mask how I was really feeling or thinking.  There was never any security there, and so I was never truly happy or settled in our relationship. 

At the same time, I'm not sure I helped him either.  The password for a wife to unlock her husband's heart is success.  Again, looking back, it makes perfect sense.  If he doesn't feel like he's a success in his work, as a husband and a father, he is going to struggle in the relationship as well.  It's our jobs as women to build up our men and help them see they are succeeding.

I listened to this with an open heart.  Many of the things they were talking about related to me in such a real way, I had no choice but to listen.  I was listening so intently, that even my boys were quiet for that 30 mins on the ride to daycare. 

I am in a wonderful relationship with a man I am certain I will spend the rest of my life with.  Will we get married?  I believe someday we will, but definitely NO time in the near future.  We are still dealing with the scars of our past failed marriages and that takes a lot of patience to understand one another and being open with one another about our feelings and what certain actions cause us to feel.  But as I listened to the broadcast today, I realized that both S and I need to feel these things.  It's what makes us tick, and at the end of the day, if I feel secure, I'll be happier and more easily trust him and if he feels like he succeeded that day, he'll be happier as well and hopefully be able to put his trust in me. 

All I want to do is support him, but much like trying to find what "love language" we each speak, this couple hones it down to the two most important qualities we seek from our spouse or significant other.  All I really want is to feel secure, to be who I truly am, and sometimes, that is not pretty, but to be accepted by the man I love because he knows it's temporary.  And for him to feel like he can trust me because my goal is to help him succeed, not only at work, but also as a husband or significant other and a father.

THE most important aspect of this entire conversation, which stood out to me above all, is keep God in your marriage.  That is something A and I didn't really do. I knew he was a man of faith.  We went to church together and worhsipped together, we would have conversations about our faith and beliefs sometimes, but we never went below the surface.  In just the short time I've known S, I've opened up to him about some of my deepest beliefs, the role my faith plays in my life and some very personal moments I've had that, at the time, scared me, but looking back I see it was the Holy Spirit working within me.  That is what we need to do in our relationships.  We need to ask God to come into our hearts and help us with the struggles. 

Most importantly (and this is a BIG one for me), we need to stop reacting to our spouse/significant other and think before we speak.  We need to ask God and the Holy Spirit to give us the words to say so that we do not hurt the one we love.  If we ask that, He will come into our hearts and give us the words.  All we have to do is open our hearts so that we can hear Him. 

So, at the end of the day (or beginning as I type this), I have learned quite a lot.  So much so, that I've downloaded a copy of the broadcast and bought the book.  I absolutely recommend both of them to you, whether you are in a marriage that is doing great or struggling, or in a committed relationship, this couple can help you gain a better understanding of your loved one and help you learn how to improve your relationship.  I can't wait to read the book and share it with S.  I hope you'll look into it.

(I am not receiving any compensation for this review.  All opinions and text are my own.)

Why do only the good die young?

Yet again, my boyfriend, S,  received a call late last week about a friend of his dying suddenly from a heart attack.  He was 39.  He has a wife and 2 children and so many friends and family who are going to miss him desparately.  S is one of those people and it pains me to see him dealing with so many tragedies in the past several months.  I look to the Bible for help, for encouragement, and I know we can never know the reasons behind these losses, but when someone so young dies so suddenly, the question that pops up, is why?  Why him?  Why now? He was healthy, took care of himself, loved his family and friends... so why him?  And then S says, is my time coming?  I tell him he can't think like that, but honestly, if this was happening to me and my friends, I can't say I wouldn't think the same way. 

Jeremiah 29:11 - "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."  We have to hold on to our faith in times like these.  It's difficult and it tests our faith in God and the greater good because we cannot see the grand plan, but I believe if we trust in God, He will make all things right.  It's not always in OUR time, but in HIS.  I have no reasons for this tragedy nor do I pretend to have any answers or understand it. It's sad, and it's hard to watch S and his friends and this man's family go through this.  No words, no deeds, nothing I say or do will make it easier, so I just sit and listen, or sometimes, we just sit in silence.  I wish I could wrap my arms around him and make all the pain go away, but I know I can't.  I am here for you.  That is all I can do.

I pray the sadness and dark times leave us and light shines through and shows S God's love and comfort.  May God's peace and love surround them all and give them strength and comfort in the days, weeks, months and years to come.  Lord, enfold them in your loving arms and let them know you are there for them, protecting them, loving them, comforting them.  Grant them peace.  Amen.

Philippians 4:13 - Believe it!

Philippians 4:13 – “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” I have a tattoo of this on my back, between my shoulder blades, from when I went through my divorce. It’s a picture of a child’s hand reaching up to an adult’s hand. It has many meanings to me… one is my children looking to me for guidance in such a tumultuous time in their lives. The other, more powerful for me at the time and many times since, is me reaching out to God for help.


Over the past couple of weeks, actually since the week leading into Easter, I have been feeling down and out. My life seems to be crumbling around me and my faith is weak on a good day. I don’t know what happened to trigger these feelings of despair and discouragement, but they have been alive and strong and during this past week have been gaining momentum in my life. Thank goodness I have some very powerful spiritual friends to help me through this and pray me through this. Two of my dearest friends are spiritual beacons in my life. When I’m having a tough time, I know I can go to them for guidance and uplift. They will remind me of Jesus’ love for me and how he shed His blood to save us.


My friend talked to me several times yesterday and told me it sounds like the devil has a grip on my life and nothing is going to get better until I allow God back in and push the devil out. That would seem easy, right? Nobody wants to wallow in misery and watch their life fall apart around them, but it’s not that easy. Because with misery comes the feeling of defeat and doubt and fear that it’s not going to get better and maybe I can’t dig myself out of this hole I’m in. You know what? You’re right. You can’t. But God can help you. He can give you the strength to stand back up and help you put the pieces of your life back together because you can do all things through Christ who strengthens you.


I had a dream last night of tornadoes, at least 5 that I can remember, showing up in the mountains and fields near where I live. I was in the car with my 2 boys and one of my best friends, whom I say has a “bat phone to God”. There was no way to avoid them or run away from them, and so we hit the gas praying for God to protect us the whole way. I had my eyes closed as we drove past 2 twisters about to cross the road and all I felt was the car being lifted and crying out for God to protect us all. I woke up with a start and realized that was how my life felt – until that moment.

I am not a quitter. Over the past 20 years or so I have slowly gained the strength and belief that I can accomplish anything I put my mind to. In the last 18 years, I’ve found that Christ gives me the strength as long as I rely on Him and follow in his footsteps. I do falter sometimes, but never give up. I have moments when I’ve been so far down that I wasn’t sure I’d get back up. The events leading to my divorce made me feel that way and not only affected me but my children as well. Again, God placed angels in my life not only to help me but to help my children as well.

I am not going to allow the devil to come into my life and bring negativity and doubt and disbelief into my home. I’ve had enough of him and I want him out. So I told him that this morning. Sound crazy? Yes, it does, but sometimes it’s what you have to do in order to get him to move on and leave you alone.


I listened to Joyce Meyer this morning on the radio. She was talking about believing you are righteous in God’s sight and believing it. She said tell yourself every morning that you are righteous and deserving of God’s love. Tell yourself, God I know you love me and I know you have a plan for me. Here I am Lord. So I did that and can I tell you, what a difference that made. Just saying those few words this morning, and truly believing them, lifted a weight off my shoulders. I still have the same struggles, but I have faith that God will see me through them. He will help me find a way to persevere and conquer any obstacles that come in my way. I am a child of God and I am loved, no matter what the outside world may do or say.


What about you? Do any of you have any stories of triumph you’d like to share?

Our mortality...

Last night was one of those moments you learn to appreciate life and respect that we are not in control of how long we are on this earth, so you better make the most of it while you can.  My boyfriend received a call last night that a friend's son was killed in a motorcycle crash.  He was 21, barely beginning to live his life.  My prayers go out to the family and friends of this young man.  It really caused me to stop and think about not only my own mortality, but how I would survive if I had received a call like that about one of my own children.  I shudder to think, to even put it out in the universe (as my ex would say), but with a daughter who is about to turn 16 in 10 days and start driving, it is a very real fear. 

I can instill as much fear about driving fast and accidents and death that I want into her.  At the end of the day, it comes down to the decision she makes, whether that's getting in a car with someone else who is driving too fast, or worse, impaired due to alcohol or drugs.  I pray I've taught her enough to know she can say no to getting in the car and call me, but as a parent, I want to protect my children.  I want them to live in the bubble of safety I've created for them, but the reality is, at some point, they are going to grow up and make decisions that will impact their lives and their futures. 

How do you comfort someone who is dealing with the loss of a child.  My grandmother has lost not only her husband, but both her son and daughter-in-law.  She clings to my mother now and says she can't go through the pain of losing another child.  If I were in this mother's shoes, I don't know what I'd do. People tell me I'm strong, that I can carry the burdens of so many and still keep pushing forward, but I think this would be the one thing that would stop me in my tracks and make me crumple to the floor in a heap.  I don't know that I'd be able to get back up again. 

People ask why did this happen?  I don't have an answer and it really bothers me when "good Christians" tell the grieving parent, "It was God's will" or "God needed him more than us."  That's crap.  I'm sorry, but you are not God.  You don't know what God's will is or why this child was taken.  So don't pretend like you do. All you are doing is upsetting the parent.  Be honest, you don't know.  I don't know.  Nobody knows.  All we can do is comfort them.  Sometimes that means holding them while they sob in our arms, listen to them as they scream at God, sometimes it just means sitting quietly, holding their hand. 

I am holding this family in my prayers, not just for now, but for the weeks and months and years to come as the reality of what has happened truly hits them, when after the chaos of what has happened and the arrangements that will have to be made are over, when the lines of people coming to visit dwindles down to just a few close friends calling to check in on them, that's when they will need even more prayers and love. 

I don't really know where this is going.  I guess I don't really have a point to this post today, other than to vent my feelings, frustrations and fears.  May God's peace surround the family and friends of this young man and may His love envelop them and ease their pain.  Amen.

Struggling with the false perception of control

"In a time of universal deceit, telling the truth is a revolutionary act."  - George Orwell

I can't even begin to explain how true those words ring to me right now.  A few weeks ago I had a tough couple of days thanks to my ex-husband.  I feel like somehow, I'm the one who should feel guilty, yet I know that's not true.  I am not the one who continues to tell lies to try and make life seem rosier... I am honest.  I tell the truth, even when I know it will hurt.  That took me a long time to learn, but I did learn and I follow through with that now.  So why is it that I allow him to continue to hurt me and make me feel bad?

Do I have control of my life?  What does having control of my life really mean?  We all have a perceived control of our lives, but when things go wrong, we wonder how it happened?  This is where our faith in God comes into play.  "The earth is the Lord's, and the fulness thereof; the world, and they that dwell therein." Psalm 24:1  God is in control, not me.  When things are going well in my life, I have a tendency to take credit for how well things are going.  I accomplished these things, I created my happiness, MY hard work is the reason things are going so well in my life... does any of this sound familiar?  Yet, when my world starts falling apart, or something happens in our personal life that makes us question where we are or how we got to this point, we realize, we were never in control.

As humans, we make choices.  It is our right to make the wrong choice and it is God's hope that we will learn from our mistakes and correct them and return to the path He has set before us.  I know my path looks like a wandering drunken fool's path, twisting and turning, sometimes going in circles.  There have been times I've walked straight, with my head up and my eyes turned towards the Heavens giving thanks to God for the gifts of happiness and peace, but when I turn my eyes away from Him, it's then that I struggle, like I am now.
The Bible says, "I sought the Lord, and he answered me, and delivered me from all my fears." (Psalm 34:4) It is time I listened to the word of God and changed my ways. All I have to do is ask, and God listens.

I find myself struggling to find that feeling of being centered, of peace, of tranquility.  I get glimpses of it, but I have allowed others to drag me down and misguide me.  Well no more.  I'm done allowing others in my life bring me down.  It's about time I stand up for myself and have some confidence in who I am and what I do.  I am a good mom, no, I'm a great mom. I do the best I can with what I have.  We don't have a lot of money, but we have fun and we love each other.  My children have a roof over their heads, food on the table, warm clothes, toys, a big yard and lots of love from so many people. 
It's so easy to get lost in the day to day grind and take the simple things in life for granted.  My drive to work each morning consists of 20 mins. of country scenery - rolling hills, mountains, fields, woods... nature at it's finest.  I am blessed to have such tranquility surround me.  I get to point out the sunrise to my boys as we drive to daycare in the morning, and the beautiful colors of the sunset as we drive home towards the mountains again.  We have a stream running through our back yard and mountains in the distance.  I thank God every day for the blessings he has bestowed on us, and when a day like the one above happens to me, and I momentarily forget how blessed I am, all I have to do is walk outside and realize, I am where I belong.  A sense of peace washes over me and I am calm.  That is God's peace washing over me. 

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."  Philippians 4:6-7

Trying to find the silver lining...

So, there has been a lot that happened since my last post.  I was driving to church with my two boys a week ago (Sunday) and the sun glare blinded me (quite literally) and I drove off the road.  That was not how I wanted my Sunday to start off.  We are all fine and so is the car - just some minor cosmetic damage.  I was talking to my BFF and we were joking about how God could let this happen when I was on my way to His house to worship?  She said the angel watching over us that day took a coffee break and has now been reassigned. lol.  But seriously, when I took a step back and looked at where we landed (straight down a ditch in front of us where the road made a right), it could have been A LOT worse.  We were inches from slamming into the street sign and some thick brush that would have totaled the front end had we driven off just a foot to my left.  There was more thick brush and a small barn about 20 feet to the right that would have also totaled the car.  When my bf came to help us out, he started cutting away the brush so we could get the car out.  I was able to open the doors and look underneath and see that there was nothing under my car.  No brush, no stumps, no rocks, nothing was damaged under the car... it was like I had landed in the perfect spot.  Perhaps God was watching out for us after all.

Since the accident, I've seen the insurance adjuster and he did NOT total the car, even though it's almost 20 years old and has 134,000 miles on it.  He handed me a check for the repairs and said get it fixed.  So, I am.  My idea was to do the repairs myself...well, ok, ask my bf and my brother to do the repairs. I was going to put the rest of the money in savings and take my tax return and add that to it and get another car - AWD or 4WD and a manual transmission.  Well, the best laid plans of mice and men....  I now have to cover child care expenses and some other expenses that I hadn't accounted for due to a 5 week month and now there's barely anything left.  I am a little disappointed to say the least.  I have also begun thinking about how unfulfilling my job is.  Yes, I just started here 2 months ago, but it was just a way to get me up here.  I am grateful to have a job and to work for such a small, wonderful, family oriented company, but I have a Masters Degree and I'm a secretary... something just isn't adding up here.  :( 

I try not to get discouraged.  I am looking into whether or not I can be a guidance counselor in NY if I just get the extra 12 credits with my EdS, but I'm not sure if NY Dept. of Ed. still requires 3 years of teaching before becoming a guidance counselor.  If that's the case, I'm def not doing that.  I will go back to school in Sept. and get my Ed.S. degree and then try to find a job where they will train me for my required 3000 hours of internship for licensure as a mental health counselor.  I just feel like I'm worth so much more and I shouldn't have to continually struggle financially like I have been for the last 9 years.  Something's got to change, right?  God tells us in Proverbs 3:5 - "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight."  Perhaps I'm not listening and trusting in Him?

Why is it my faith seems to wax and wane almost as the tides on the ocean?  When things are hard I cry out to God for strength and He delivers.  When I first moved, I thanked God every day for the blessings he bestowed on us, but lately, I find myself not taking the time to give thanks.

Proverbs 3:6 - "In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight."  Perhaps because I'm not taking the time to acknowledge Him and His presence in my life, I'm not getting the things I hope for.  I am also not outright asking for them.  That is something I continually struggle with, not only in my faith, but in my everyday life as well - asking for things.  That's kind of funny for me to say considering I was a spoiled little girl growing up who would get pretty much anything I asked for.  Though I never asked for anything unreasonable, or what I thought was unreasonable.  I was grateful for what I received and have grown to understand just how much my parents gave me as a child and teen, and continue to give me and my children, though I no longer expect it. 

I have heard I am supposed to ask God for good things in my life.  If I want a better job, I have to ask for it specifically.  If I want a bigger salary, a bigger home, better car, then I have to ask for them specifically.  I have to spell it out.  I'm not supposed to be vague.  I'm supposed to quote scripture that goes along with my request, almost as a reminder to God that he promised he would provide for me.  But this is God... all knowing, all seeing, ever present.  I don't think he needs a reminder of what he said, but then, perhaps it's a reminder for me.  To remind me of what He said, of His promises for me and to let Him know I'm listening to Him by reading His words and hearing Him speak through others, whether that's at church or friends, radio, people on the street.  God is everywhere.  Maybe it's time I started relying on my faith again and reading my Bible every day.  I know with God, all things are possible. (Phillipians 4:13)  I had that tattooed on my back for a reason, because it was my faith that carried me through the dark times in my life.  So why shouldn't I rely on it now as well.  I guess I've answered my own questions.  Now the hard part is acting on them.  "If you want to see a change in your life, you have to make some changes." - Henry Ford.  

My silver lining is right in front of me.  It's in my Bible.  All I have to do is pick it up, open it and listen to what God has to say.  :)  He has brought me this far and given us so much to be thankful for.  I have no doubt He is not done with us yet.

Til next time...



 

A change in focus...

This blog originally started out as a dating blog.  My best friend suggested I start it after my split from my ex-husband.  It was fun for a while and I have kept the original posts up but I have changed significantly and I think it's time this blog does too.  I have grown spiritually and truly gotten to know more about myself through the dating experiences I've had and the men I've met.  I am not here to preach at you, but just to share what I've learned and what I see around me.  I try not to take life for granted and I hope, in my sharing, some of my thoughts provoke you to perhaps re-evaluate your way of thinking or just think outside the box.  Whatever the case, I hope you find my ramblings amusing and interesting.  Happy reading. :)

Life is amazing...

So it's been 11 months since my last post.  My how times have changed.  I need to find a way to rename my blog, because it is no longer about me dating again, it's about the incredible man God brought into my life.  After being truly single for 6 months, I met a man online who is everything I've ever hoped, prayed and dreamed about.  I mean that quite literally.  He lives upstate in NY, he has a solid job, owns his own home, is an incredible father to his two children, has a strong faith and leads a relatively simple life.  We started chatting over e-mail, then phone and after a couple of months, finally met for the first time.  I can't explain what I felt that first moment I met him in person.  It was like God knew my hearts desires and presented them to me in this man.  That was THE MOST amazing first date I have ever had, and 7 months after meeting him face to face, we are doing quite well.  I guess that might be a bit of an understatement.  Let me elaborate:

I moved up here in November.  I was struggling financially living in Bergen County, NJ.  I was VERY unhappy at my job and I was looking to move eventually anyway. I had originally been looking down the shore, but then this incredible man came into my life. I'd be lying if I said being closer to him had nothing to do with my decision on moving north.  Everyone questioned me at first, especially my mother.  She was MAD! But she got over it when she realized I wasn't changing my mind and already had a job lined up and was looking at houses to rent.  The cost of living is less and I am grateful I am making the same amount of money I was in NJ.  Of course now I have a commuting expense, but it is all worth it.  I live in a little country town, out in the "sticks" and I am loving EVERY minute of it!!!

My house sits on a little piece of property surrounded by farmland and mountains, a stream in my backyard, horses and cows next door... on my way to work every morning I get to watch in awe as the sun rises and God paints the skies so many colors.  This morning, it looked like the mountains were on fire with the brilliant reds, oranges and pinks that were coming up behind the mountains.  It is truly incredible and I couldn't have imagined my life would be this wonderful!! 

I am in love with the most wonderful man in the world and he loves me in return.  My children are happy and settled in quickly.  I don't mean a few weeks, I mean within minutes... everything came together in such a short period of time.  It's only possible because it was God's plan.  No matter what happens in my future, I have found true happiness and learned how to open my heart completely again.  I am not judged, criticized, looked down upon or looked over... I am loved for who I am and that means the world to me. 

I thank God every day for bringing this incredibly handsome, sexy, loving, compassionate & wonderful man into my life.  He truly is the man of my dreams.  Guess I found my prince after all...  <3