Comfortable by myself...

I am happy being alone.  I don't have to answer to anyone... I don't have to worry about constantly talking to or texting someone throughout the day and night.  I get to go to bed when I feel like it and not stay up to have a conversation with someone.  It's nice.  There are times when I wish I had someone to share some time with, but there are plenty more when I'm just happy to be me.  I have my rough patches but I always come through them and try my hardest to put a smile on my face, sometimes after I've whined and cried to my BFF.  It doesn't happen all too often, so I allow myself to feel that way once in a while.  I just don't want to become one of those women who is alone for the rest of my life.  For now, my children keep me busy and I enjoy spending time with them.  But one day, I will truly be alone and the children will leave the house and then what?  I would like to be with someone someday, I just don't think that time is now... guess I'll just allow myself to enjoy this time alone and if someone comes into my life, I won't push them away - or at least I hope I won't.  I am ready for the next step of my journey...whatever that may be.  Bring it on God... I'm ready.

ugh

It's amazing what a month or so can change... it's over with the fireman.  He's overly sensitive and doesn't try to make the time to see me.  I offer to go out by him and still no go... so, I'm done.  All he seems to want to do is argue and that's just not me.  I can do that with my family.  Time to just chill and be by myself, which I have been doing emotionally for the last month or so anyway. 

Keep the prayers coming for me to find a job as a guidance counselor.  Still nothing...it's frustrating but I'm trying to keep the faith.  Times are tough financially and I am worried about making it through the winter with enough oil to heat my house... something will come along... it always does. 

I could write a lot more, but will just keep some things to myself.  Until next time...

Rough day with a silver lining

Today was tough... got some news that will change my life.  When I talked to my fireman about it, instead of freaking out and running away as I thought he would, he said we can get through anything together.  That was definitely NOT the reaction I was expecting.  To say I was surprised, shocked, relieved are all understatments.  He has shown me more compassion than any man I've known to this point and it is the one thing that I am clinging to today for happiness.  God couldn't help me with one thing, so he gave me a man to stand by me through the darkness... my fireman is my silver lining.  :)

Big day for my "big man" :)

Today is my big man's first day of Pre-school.  I can't believe it!! Seems like only yesterday we were there with our daughter.  I don't think he's going to deal with it as well as she did though.  He's going to cling to our legs and beg us not to leave.  Might be a tough day, but we'll make it happen. :)  In the end, he'll do great.  It's just going to take some getting used to. :)  Well, I have to leave in a few mins, so I'm gonna end this. Just say a little prayer that some tests I had done come back negative.  TTYS :)

Gotta find something to do with my free time...

OK, I have too much time on my hands and as I've been told for years now, I read too much into things.  I really need to stop.  It's just so hard to figure out how somebody meant something over text.  Thankfully, our little mix up was cleared up in a phone conversation, but it's just stressful.  I like this guy and want to see where it will go and the walls I have built up around me include a whole lot of cynicism and negative outlooks and I need to change that.  I am frustrated with myself.  I need to start curbing what I say and just enjoy each moment.  Anyway, we seem to be ok now.  Guess I just need to stop worrying and just enjoy.  No expectations... other than honesty.  OK, I'm done now...

I hope this afternoon goes by quickly...I'm so tired of being bored at work.  I really want to be a guidance counselor...after all, that's why I went to school to get my degree and get certified, but it just seems like it's getting harder and harder to make that happen.... ugh.  Another thing I can't dwell on... I'll just keep working on my music. I picked up my guitar last night and started working on a song I had written a while ago but never had the music to.  It's in the VERY rough stages of coming together, but it has potential. I just have to work on the timing of the verses and chorus a little more...

Here's hoping my day turns around.  :)  Thinking positive always helps...so here I go. :)

Fun and Excitement

Well, as we speak, my best friend in the entire world is giving birth to her first son.  :)  I am sad because I can't be there but happy because we all get to meet the little guy.  :)  Soooo excited. 

As a side note...I got a text from the "old" guy I went on a date with about a month ago.  He was the 43 year old restaurant/bar owner I went out with when I was dating the disappearing man.  I had fun with him but all I could think of was how old he looked...lol.  So bad, but true.  He texted a few times and I responded but nothing elaborate.  I got a text today that said, "Hey, it's M.  How have u been. I was hoping I would have seen u again but never heard back from you."  I feel bad, but at the same time, he's coming across as a little desperate.  I am going to text him back that I am seeing someone and want to give it a chance... like I said, he was a nice guy...just not the one for me.  Figures, right?  He actually has the financial means to whisk me away at the drop of a hat and I don't want to just be with a guy for the perks.  There are definitely days I wish I could be that woman, but the reality is I'm not. 

My buddy and I talked about that last night.  He wants to be a player, but just doesn't have it in him... another friend of mine says the same thing.  Isn't it funny how in your head you can do it, but when the opportunity presents itself, people with a conscience just can't bring themselves to be someone they're not?

Moving on...

And so it's time to start looking again... some of my friends, one in particular, tells me to stop because he doesn't want to see me hurt anymore... but as I say to him, what would life be without love?  With love comes the chance I might experience heartache.  However, the love I experience fills my soul with something I can't explain and it helps remind me the world is good and that someday I will know true love again. 

My cousin told me about a dating site for single parents.  It's where she met her husband, so I figured what the heck.  I'm done with match.com for a while.  Plenty of fish is ok, but not great.  So, I joined.  We'll see what comes of it.