Philippians 4:13 - Believe it!

Philippians 4:13 – “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” I have a tattoo of this on my back, between my shoulder blades, from when I went through my divorce. It’s a picture of a child’s hand reaching up to an adult’s hand. It has many meanings to me… one is my children looking to me for guidance in such a tumultuous time in their lives. The other, more powerful for me at the time and many times since, is me reaching out to God for help.


Over the past couple of weeks, actually since the week leading into Easter, I have been feeling down and out. My life seems to be crumbling around me and my faith is weak on a good day. I don’t know what happened to trigger these feelings of despair and discouragement, but they have been alive and strong and during this past week have been gaining momentum in my life. Thank goodness I have some very powerful spiritual friends to help me through this and pray me through this. Two of my dearest friends are spiritual beacons in my life. When I’m having a tough time, I know I can go to them for guidance and uplift. They will remind me of Jesus’ love for me and how he shed His blood to save us.


My friend talked to me several times yesterday and told me it sounds like the devil has a grip on my life and nothing is going to get better until I allow God back in and push the devil out. That would seem easy, right? Nobody wants to wallow in misery and watch their life fall apart around them, but it’s not that easy. Because with misery comes the feeling of defeat and doubt and fear that it’s not going to get better and maybe I can’t dig myself out of this hole I’m in. You know what? You’re right. You can’t. But God can help you. He can give you the strength to stand back up and help you put the pieces of your life back together because you can do all things through Christ who strengthens you.


I had a dream last night of tornadoes, at least 5 that I can remember, showing up in the mountains and fields near where I live. I was in the car with my 2 boys and one of my best friends, whom I say has a “bat phone to God”. There was no way to avoid them or run away from them, and so we hit the gas praying for God to protect us the whole way. I had my eyes closed as we drove past 2 twisters about to cross the road and all I felt was the car being lifted and crying out for God to protect us all. I woke up with a start and realized that was how my life felt – until that moment.

I am not a quitter. Over the past 20 years or so I have slowly gained the strength and belief that I can accomplish anything I put my mind to. In the last 18 years, I’ve found that Christ gives me the strength as long as I rely on Him and follow in his footsteps. I do falter sometimes, but never give up. I have moments when I’ve been so far down that I wasn’t sure I’d get back up. The events leading to my divorce made me feel that way and not only affected me but my children as well. Again, God placed angels in my life not only to help me but to help my children as well.

I am not going to allow the devil to come into my life and bring negativity and doubt and disbelief into my home. I’ve had enough of him and I want him out. So I told him that this morning. Sound crazy? Yes, it does, but sometimes it’s what you have to do in order to get him to move on and leave you alone.


I listened to Joyce Meyer this morning on the radio. She was talking about believing you are righteous in God’s sight and believing it. She said tell yourself every morning that you are righteous and deserving of God’s love. Tell yourself, God I know you love me and I know you have a plan for me. Here I am Lord. So I did that and can I tell you, what a difference that made. Just saying those few words this morning, and truly believing them, lifted a weight off my shoulders. I still have the same struggles, but I have faith that God will see me through them. He will help me find a way to persevere and conquer any obstacles that come in my way. I am a child of God and I am loved, no matter what the outside world may do or say.


What about you? Do any of you have any stories of triumph you’d like to share?

Our mortality...

Last night was one of those moments you learn to appreciate life and respect that we are not in control of how long we are on this earth, so you better make the most of it while you can.  My boyfriend received a call last night that a friend's son was killed in a motorcycle crash.  He was 21, barely beginning to live his life.  My prayers go out to the family and friends of this young man.  It really caused me to stop and think about not only my own mortality, but how I would survive if I had received a call like that about one of my own children.  I shudder to think, to even put it out in the universe (as my ex would say), but with a daughter who is about to turn 16 in 10 days and start driving, it is a very real fear. 

I can instill as much fear about driving fast and accidents and death that I want into her.  At the end of the day, it comes down to the decision she makes, whether that's getting in a car with someone else who is driving too fast, or worse, impaired due to alcohol or drugs.  I pray I've taught her enough to know she can say no to getting in the car and call me, but as a parent, I want to protect my children.  I want them to live in the bubble of safety I've created for them, but the reality is, at some point, they are going to grow up and make decisions that will impact their lives and their futures. 

How do you comfort someone who is dealing with the loss of a child.  My grandmother has lost not only her husband, but both her son and daughter-in-law.  She clings to my mother now and says she can't go through the pain of losing another child.  If I were in this mother's shoes, I don't know what I'd do. People tell me I'm strong, that I can carry the burdens of so many and still keep pushing forward, but I think this would be the one thing that would stop me in my tracks and make me crumple to the floor in a heap.  I don't know that I'd be able to get back up again. 

People ask why did this happen?  I don't have an answer and it really bothers me when "good Christians" tell the grieving parent, "It was God's will" or "God needed him more than us."  That's crap.  I'm sorry, but you are not God.  You don't know what God's will is or why this child was taken.  So don't pretend like you do. All you are doing is upsetting the parent.  Be honest, you don't know.  I don't know.  Nobody knows.  All we can do is comfort them.  Sometimes that means holding them while they sob in our arms, listen to them as they scream at God, sometimes it just means sitting quietly, holding their hand. 

I am holding this family in my prayers, not just for now, but for the weeks and months and years to come as the reality of what has happened truly hits them, when after the chaos of what has happened and the arrangements that will have to be made are over, when the lines of people coming to visit dwindles down to just a few close friends calling to check in on them, that's when they will need even more prayers and love. 

I don't really know where this is going.  I guess I don't really have a point to this post today, other than to vent my feelings, frustrations and fears.  May God's peace surround the family and friends of this young man and may His love envelop them and ease their pain.  Amen.

Struggling with the false perception of control

"In a time of universal deceit, telling the truth is a revolutionary act."  - George Orwell

I can't even begin to explain how true those words ring to me right now.  A few weeks ago I had a tough couple of days thanks to my ex-husband.  I feel like somehow, I'm the one who should feel guilty, yet I know that's not true.  I am not the one who continues to tell lies to try and make life seem rosier... I am honest.  I tell the truth, even when I know it will hurt.  That took me a long time to learn, but I did learn and I follow through with that now.  So why is it that I allow him to continue to hurt me and make me feel bad?

Do I have control of my life?  What does having control of my life really mean?  We all have a perceived control of our lives, but when things go wrong, we wonder how it happened?  This is where our faith in God comes into play.  "The earth is the Lord's, and the fulness thereof; the world, and they that dwell therein." Psalm 24:1  God is in control, not me.  When things are going well in my life, I have a tendency to take credit for how well things are going.  I accomplished these things, I created my happiness, MY hard work is the reason things are going so well in my life... does any of this sound familiar?  Yet, when my world starts falling apart, or something happens in our personal life that makes us question where we are or how we got to this point, we realize, we were never in control.

As humans, we make choices.  It is our right to make the wrong choice and it is God's hope that we will learn from our mistakes and correct them and return to the path He has set before us.  I know my path looks like a wandering drunken fool's path, twisting and turning, sometimes going in circles.  There have been times I've walked straight, with my head up and my eyes turned towards the Heavens giving thanks to God for the gifts of happiness and peace, but when I turn my eyes away from Him, it's then that I struggle, like I am now.
The Bible says, "I sought the Lord, and he answered me, and delivered me from all my fears." (Psalm 34:4) It is time I listened to the word of God and changed my ways. All I have to do is ask, and God listens.

I find myself struggling to find that feeling of being centered, of peace, of tranquility.  I get glimpses of it, but I have allowed others to drag me down and misguide me.  Well no more.  I'm done allowing others in my life bring me down.  It's about time I stand up for myself and have some confidence in who I am and what I do.  I am a good mom, no, I'm a great mom. I do the best I can with what I have.  We don't have a lot of money, but we have fun and we love each other.  My children have a roof over their heads, food on the table, warm clothes, toys, a big yard and lots of love from so many people. 
It's so easy to get lost in the day to day grind and take the simple things in life for granted.  My drive to work each morning consists of 20 mins. of country scenery - rolling hills, mountains, fields, woods... nature at it's finest.  I am blessed to have such tranquility surround me.  I get to point out the sunrise to my boys as we drive to daycare in the morning, and the beautiful colors of the sunset as we drive home towards the mountains again.  We have a stream running through our back yard and mountains in the distance.  I thank God every day for the blessings he has bestowed on us, and when a day like the one above happens to me, and I momentarily forget how blessed I am, all I have to do is walk outside and realize, I am where I belong.  A sense of peace washes over me and I am calm.  That is God's peace washing over me. 

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."  Philippians 4:6-7

Trying to find the silver lining...

So, there has been a lot that happened since my last post.  I was driving to church with my two boys a week ago (Sunday) and the sun glare blinded me (quite literally) and I drove off the road.  That was not how I wanted my Sunday to start off.  We are all fine and so is the car - just some minor cosmetic damage.  I was talking to my BFF and we were joking about how God could let this happen when I was on my way to His house to worship?  She said the angel watching over us that day took a coffee break and has now been reassigned. lol.  But seriously, when I took a step back and looked at where we landed (straight down a ditch in front of us where the road made a right), it could have been A LOT worse.  We were inches from slamming into the street sign and some thick brush that would have totaled the front end had we driven off just a foot to my left.  There was more thick brush and a small barn about 20 feet to the right that would have also totaled the car.  When my bf came to help us out, he started cutting away the brush so we could get the car out.  I was able to open the doors and look underneath and see that there was nothing under my car.  No brush, no stumps, no rocks, nothing was damaged under the car... it was like I had landed in the perfect spot.  Perhaps God was watching out for us after all.

Since the accident, I've seen the insurance adjuster and he did NOT total the car, even though it's almost 20 years old and has 134,000 miles on it.  He handed me a check for the repairs and said get it fixed.  So, I am.  My idea was to do the repairs myself...well, ok, ask my bf and my brother to do the repairs. I was going to put the rest of the money in savings and take my tax return and add that to it and get another car - AWD or 4WD and a manual transmission.  Well, the best laid plans of mice and men....  I now have to cover child care expenses and some other expenses that I hadn't accounted for due to a 5 week month and now there's barely anything left.  I am a little disappointed to say the least.  I have also begun thinking about how unfulfilling my job is.  Yes, I just started here 2 months ago, but it was just a way to get me up here.  I am grateful to have a job and to work for such a small, wonderful, family oriented company, but I have a Masters Degree and I'm a secretary... something just isn't adding up here.  :( 

I try not to get discouraged.  I am looking into whether or not I can be a guidance counselor in NY if I just get the extra 12 credits with my EdS, but I'm not sure if NY Dept. of Ed. still requires 3 years of teaching before becoming a guidance counselor.  If that's the case, I'm def not doing that.  I will go back to school in Sept. and get my Ed.S. degree and then try to find a job where they will train me for my required 3000 hours of internship for licensure as a mental health counselor.  I just feel like I'm worth so much more and I shouldn't have to continually struggle financially like I have been for the last 9 years.  Something's got to change, right?  God tells us in Proverbs 3:5 - "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight."  Perhaps I'm not listening and trusting in Him?

Why is it my faith seems to wax and wane almost as the tides on the ocean?  When things are hard I cry out to God for strength and He delivers.  When I first moved, I thanked God every day for the blessings he bestowed on us, but lately, I find myself not taking the time to give thanks.

Proverbs 3:6 - "In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight."  Perhaps because I'm not taking the time to acknowledge Him and His presence in my life, I'm not getting the things I hope for.  I am also not outright asking for them.  That is something I continually struggle with, not only in my faith, but in my everyday life as well - asking for things.  That's kind of funny for me to say considering I was a spoiled little girl growing up who would get pretty much anything I asked for.  Though I never asked for anything unreasonable, or what I thought was unreasonable.  I was grateful for what I received and have grown to understand just how much my parents gave me as a child and teen, and continue to give me and my children, though I no longer expect it. 

I have heard I am supposed to ask God for good things in my life.  If I want a better job, I have to ask for it specifically.  If I want a bigger salary, a bigger home, better car, then I have to ask for them specifically.  I have to spell it out.  I'm not supposed to be vague.  I'm supposed to quote scripture that goes along with my request, almost as a reminder to God that he promised he would provide for me.  But this is God... all knowing, all seeing, ever present.  I don't think he needs a reminder of what he said, but then, perhaps it's a reminder for me.  To remind me of what He said, of His promises for me and to let Him know I'm listening to Him by reading His words and hearing Him speak through others, whether that's at church or friends, radio, people on the street.  God is everywhere.  Maybe it's time I started relying on my faith again and reading my Bible every day.  I know with God, all things are possible. (Phillipians 4:13)  I had that tattooed on my back for a reason, because it was my faith that carried me through the dark times in my life.  So why shouldn't I rely on it now as well.  I guess I've answered my own questions.  Now the hard part is acting on them.  "If you want to see a change in your life, you have to make some changes." - Henry Ford.  

My silver lining is right in front of me.  It's in my Bible.  All I have to do is pick it up, open it and listen to what God has to say.  :)  He has brought me this far and given us so much to be thankful for.  I have no doubt He is not done with us yet.

Til next time...



 

A change in focus...

This blog originally started out as a dating blog.  My best friend suggested I start it after my split from my ex-husband.  It was fun for a while and I have kept the original posts up but I have changed significantly and I think it's time this blog does too.  I have grown spiritually and truly gotten to know more about myself through the dating experiences I've had and the men I've met.  I am not here to preach at you, but just to share what I've learned and what I see around me.  I try not to take life for granted and I hope, in my sharing, some of my thoughts provoke you to perhaps re-evaluate your way of thinking or just think outside the box.  Whatever the case, I hope you find my ramblings amusing and interesting.  Happy reading. :)

Life is amazing...

So it's been 11 months since my last post.  My how times have changed.  I need to find a way to rename my blog, because it is no longer about me dating again, it's about the incredible man God brought into my life.  After being truly single for 6 months, I met a man online who is everything I've ever hoped, prayed and dreamed about.  I mean that quite literally.  He lives upstate in NY, he has a solid job, owns his own home, is an incredible father to his two children, has a strong faith and leads a relatively simple life.  We started chatting over e-mail, then phone and after a couple of months, finally met for the first time.  I can't explain what I felt that first moment I met him in person.  It was like God knew my hearts desires and presented them to me in this man.  That was THE MOST amazing first date I have ever had, and 7 months after meeting him face to face, we are doing quite well.  I guess that might be a bit of an understatement.  Let me elaborate:

I moved up here in November.  I was struggling financially living in Bergen County, NJ.  I was VERY unhappy at my job and I was looking to move eventually anyway. I had originally been looking down the shore, but then this incredible man came into my life. I'd be lying if I said being closer to him had nothing to do with my decision on moving north.  Everyone questioned me at first, especially my mother.  She was MAD! But she got over it when she realized I wasn't changing my mind and already had a job lined up and was looking at houses to rent.  The cost of living is less and I am grateful I am making the same amount of money I was in NJ.  Of course now I have a commuting expense, but it is all worth it.  I live in a little country town, out in the "sticks" and I am loving EVERY minute of it!!!

My house sits on a little piece of property surrounded by farmland and mountains, a stream in my backyard, horses and cows next door... on my way to work every morning I get to watch in awe as the sun rises and God paints the skies so many colors.  This morning, it looked like the mountains were on fire with the brilliant reds, oranges and pinks that were coming up behind the mountains.  It is truly incredible and I couldn't have imagined my life would be this wonderful!! 

I am in love with the most wonderful man in the world and he loves me in return.  My children are happy and settled in quickly.  I don't mean a few weeks, I mean within minutes... everything came together in such a short period of time.  It's only possible because it was God's plan.  No matter what happens in my future, I have found true happiness and learned how to open my heart completely again.  I am not judged, criticized, looked down upon or looked over... I am loved for who I am and that means the world to me. 

I thank God every day for bringing this incredibly handsome, sexy, loving, compassionate & wonderful man into my life.  He truly is the man of my dreams.  Guess I found my prince after all...  <3

Comfortable by myself...

I am happy being alone.  I don't have to answer to anyone... I don't have to worry about constantly talking to or texting someone throughout the day and night.  I get to go to bed when I feel like it and not stay up to have a conversation with someone.  It's nice.  There are times when I wish I had someone to share some time with, but there are plenty more when I'm just happy to be me.  I have my rough patches but I always come through them and try my hardest to put a smile on my face, sometimes after I've whined and cried to my BFF.  It doesn't happen all too often, so I allow myself to feel that way once in a while.  I just don't want to become one of those women who is alone for the rest of my life.  For now, my children keep me busy and I enjoy spending time with them.  But one day, I will truly be alone and the children will leave the house and then what?  I would like to be with someone someday, I just don't think that time is now... guess I'll just allow myself to enjoy this time alone and if someone comes into my life, I won't push them away - or at least I hope I won't.  I am ready for the next step of my journey...whatever that may be.  Bring it on God... I'm ready.